


Rearrange

by TheGreatCatsby



Series: Memory Series [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Bad Science, Identity Issues, hints of blackfrost, worse magic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-19
Updated: 2013-12-13
Packaged: 2017-12-27 01:34:26
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 13
Words: 30,534
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/972761
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheGreatCatsby/pseuds/TheGreatCatsby
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Loki is cursed and he will lose himself. He might not mind.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> New story. Longer story. Already finished story. So don't worry about it not being finished because I've written it all out and all that need to be done is editing. Enjoy!

“Leave.” 

Odin’s voice echoed in the empty chamber. Loki had been forced to his knees only moments before, and his head was held down. He waited. 

From above, Thor protested: “Father, please-“

“Now,” Odin said. 

Loki smirked as he heard Thor’s slow footsteps retreating. He couldn’t look—the guards held him in place—but he imagined how hard it must have been for Thor to leave. Thor worried too much. 

“You have erred greatly,” Odin said. “Your punishment will be just as severe.” 

“What will you do, Allfather?” Loki asked, still facing the ground. “I do not regret what I have done. I did what I felt was right. Surely you understand, having made the decision to steal an infant from a temple in the middle of a war, lie to it, raise it as your own until you might have use-“

“Silence,” Odin commanded. “For your crimes against Midgard, I will banish you. Let those you wronged mete out what punishment they believe you deserve.” 

Loki managed to hold back a laugh, but only just. “And what?” he asked. “Should I prove worthy, I will return to Asgard as if nothing ever happened.” 

“We cannot return to old ways,” Odin said, softly. “You shall be cursed, and you will never return to Asgard.” 

Loki felt a slight pang in his chest and forced his mind from it. He did not want to feel anything at all towards Asgard. “What kind of curse?” he asked. 

“Guards,” Odin said. The guards tightened their grip on Loki and Odin stepped behind him. The sound of metal sliding against metal could be heard. “This is for the best,” Odin murmured, and he knelt down behind Loki. 

Loki only had a moment to feel the cool metal blade against the back of his neck before Odin broke the skin, and the knife carved a trail of white-hot pain. Loki bit the inside of his cheek hard enough to draw blood, but he would not scream. He refused to give Odin what he wanted. He could feel foreign magic biting into his skin along with the knife’s blade, and sinking deeper into his very being, And he felt ill. 

Then, Odin lifted the blade. Blood trickled down Loki’s neck, past the collar of his shirt and down his spine. He shivered. The guards manipulated Loki into a standing position and everything spun for a moment before righting itself. 

The guards turned Loki to face Odin and they appraised each other for a moment. Odin looked tired. Loki held his face in a mask of nothingness. 

“Goodbye, Loki,” Odin said. 

Before Loki could say anything, or think about whether he wanted to say anything, Odin spoke words in an ancient tongue and a different, darker magic enveloped Loki. The guards’ hands disappeared from his body, as did the palace, and then Loki felt himself falling and falling and he nearly screamed with the suddenness of it all, and then, when he thought he might fall forever, he crashed into hard rock. 

Pain seared through his bones. Loki feared they might be broken. He set about using his magic to find and heal any injuries he sustained before he took note of his surroundings, but when he used the magic he felt strange, off-balance, like his world was shifting and he didn’t know where he was meant to be. Then the spell finished, the pain ebbed, and Loki sat up gingerly and took note of his surroundings. 

He could only make out darkness. Darkness and a forest of trees looming high above. He stood up and nearly fell down again with dizziness. 

Odin had sent him to Earth. Odin had cast him out after carving a mysterious symbol in the back of his neck. Loki reached back and traced the symbol with a finger; it stung. The magic was well and truly embedded inside him, and Loki wondered what spell, exactly, Odin had worked on him. He thought back on the encounter. He was amazed Thor hadn’t protested. Thor protested every single one of Odin’s proposals for punishment in the name of trying to redeem Loki. 

Loki paused, his hand still over the wound. 

He couldn’t recall Thor’s part in the punishment. He could not recall what happened to Thor, or whether he had been in the chamber at all when Loki was brought before Odin. Who had taken Loki from his cell—Thor or the guards? Or both? Had Thor simply not appeared? Had Odin not summoned him? 

Loki shuddered. He had a sharp mind and wasn’t likely to forget such details so soon after. A metallic taste crept into his mouth as he again traced the cut on his neck, over and over and over until a shape began to form in his mind. 

A memory rune, reversed. 

Loki’s breath caught. 

He had learned about memory runes. They were used to enforce memory. A reversed one was used to erase memory, and was powerful magic rarely put into practice. 

Loki glanced up at the sky and, had he the energy, he would have cursed Odin loudly and in several different tongues. The knowledge of what Odin had done weakened him. 

He knew this spell because he had used it, once, on another sorcerer from another realm who had tried to kill him and Thor. He had been feeling particularly hateful, otherwise he wouldn’t have done such a cruel thing. The spell worked by punishing the magic user for using magic: each magic use erased more memories. The stronger the spell, the more memory disappeared. Eventually the victim would be left with nothing other than their personality, which, having been made largely from memories, didn’t amount to much. 

Loki would lose himself. 

Even if he didn’t use magic, the spell would run its course anyway. The amount of energy it would take to get rid of the spell would rid himself of his memories in one clean sweep. The spell only wore off once the purge of memories was complete. 

There were many things Loki wanted to forget, but he did not want to forget what Odin and Thor had done to him. He did not want to find himself complying with their wishes simply because he forgot who they were and the lies they had told him. 

(Part of him did not want to forget Frigga and the way she had accepted his strengths even though they weren’t Thor’s strengths, how she had taught him magic and ways to fight using speed and agility. He wondered if she even knew where he was or what would happen to him.) 

Loki didn’t know how long he had stood there, shocked at the revelation of what Odin had done. He would have to record his knowledge, to find a way to keep what was important to him. 

A strange sound interrupted Loki’s thoughts and he looked up to see lights speeding across the sky, towards his location. 

And, unless he wanted to accelerate the speed at which his memories left him, without a way to preserve them, he could do nothing. 

**

It had been three o’clock in the morning when Jarvis roused Tony from his rather uncomfortable sleep on one of his workshop desks. “Sir,” Jarvis had said, “SHIELD is asking for you to report to Germany. I am sending you the coordinates now.” 

Tony groaned and sat up. “Is this Iron Man work?” he asked. 

“I would advise it, sir,” Jarvis said. “Your teammates have been notified and are readying the quinjet.” 

“Fuck,” Tony said, scrambling to his feet. “It must be serious.”

“Director Fury reported a portal opening up over the forests of Germany,” Jarvis reported, “and a being falling from the sky. According to readings matched against past data, the being is Loki.” 

Tony had already dashed across the room and out the door; Jarvis’ voice followed him. Without pausing (but nearly crashing into a closed door) he repeated, “Loki? You’re kidding, right?” 

“I would not joke about such things, sir,” Jarvis said. 

“Of course you wouldn’t,” Tony muttered. “I haven’t slept enough for this. Give me the suit.” Parts from his newest model were already flying through the air towards him, attaching to various parts of his body. Tony didn’t even stop; he made his way towards the balcony of Stark Tower. 

“The jet has departed,” Jarvis said. 

“I’ll beat them anyway,” Tony said. The mask settled over his face and he stepped outside into the cool night air. 

New York City sprawled, lit up beneath him. Tony made his way to the edge of the balcony and took a moment to admire the view. In the past few months, the destruction in midtown Manhattan had been repaired, and where there had been gaping holes of black at night now stood new or repaired towers glittering in the darkness. 

And the guy who’d nearly destroyed all that was back. 

Tony gritted his teeth and took off. 

**

The flight was long, but Tony made it in record time. Jarvis had sent him the coordinates and a few hours later Tony found himself speeding towards the site where Loki had reportedly landed, the quinjet not too far behind him. 

Night vision allowed him to see everything in more detail—he could actually make out what was beneath the trees. Mostly rocks, but as he neared his destination a tall figure standing in the middle of the forest caught his eye. 

“Got ya,” Tony murmured, ignoring the thought that was questioning why Loki hadn’t moved in hours. 

He landed hard next to Loki and immediately sprung on him, pinning him to the ground. Loki gazed up at him, expressionless. He didn’t even try to fight, which was weird. 

Tony punched him in the face with a metal hand. 

Loki groaned as his head snapped to the side, but the hit appeared to have the lovely side-affect of subduing him. He looked disoriented now, and Tony said, “I don’t want to hear any bullshit about why you’re here. You’re coming with us and you’re going to SHIELD and if you step out of line I won’t hesitate to kill you.” Before Loki could respond, Tony grabbed him like he was a ragdoll and blasted into the air. 

He met the quinjet a few miles away. Natasha, who was piloting, opened the back hatch and Tony flew in, depositing Loki roughly on the ground. 

Clint turned around from the co-pilot seat and made a noise of disgust before facing the window again. Steve walked over to Loki, pinned his hands behind his back and began cuffing him. Tony sat next to Bruce, who looked as though he were trying to put his mind very, very far away. 

“He didn’t fight,” Tony murmured. 

Bruce frowned. “Nothing?” 

“Not even a little.” 

Bruce’s frown deepened. “That’s worrying,” 

Tony thought back to the last time Loki had allowed himself to be captured, to the explosions and the Hulk nearly killing Natasha and the helicarrier nearly falling out of the sky. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “Yeah, it is.” 

The next few hours were spent in silence, Steve guarding Loki and Tony and Bruce keeping an eye on him. No one wanted to say a word and Loki, fortunately, seemed disinclined to speak as well. They reached the SHIELD base in New Jersey, only a few miles away from New York City, with very little struggle and even less fanfare. Fury led them to a prison cell, this time with glass strong enough to withstand the Hulk on one side, and concrete walls on the remaining three. 

Loki paced in the cell for a few moments. Fury watched him and then asked, “He say anything?” 

“Not a word,” Steve said. “He didn’t fight, didn’t struggle.” 

Loki paused and cocked his head towards the glass. 

Fury spared a glance towards the cell before turning back to his team. “Thor’s back on Asgard,” he said in a low voice. “Won’t be back for a while, unless he knows Loki’s escaped. Best case scenario, he shows up tomorrow and takes him off our hands. Worst case-“

“Director,” Loki suddenly spoke up from the cell. 

“You don’t get to talk,” Fury snapped. 

“And if I have information?” Loki asked, walking up to the glass. 

The Avengers tensed, except for Bruce, who had closed his eyes. 

“Why talk now?” Tony asked. 

“I merely wish to take away any illusions you might have about the nature of my appearance here,” Loki said. “Thor is not coming. My punishment is banishment to Midgard.” 

“Liar,” Tony said. 

“Did Asgard ask us about this?” Fury said. “No? Well then, until we get proof, and until we agree that you can stay here, your ass is going back to Asgard as soon as possible.” 

Loki bared his teeth. “And if I am right, Director? What then?” 

“Then we have carte blanche to do what we want with you,” Natasha said, stepping forward. “I have a few ideas.” 

“And if Odin didn’t take away my magic?” Loki asked her. 

Natasha’s eyes narrowed. “Why wouldn’t you use it? And why would you tell us that you have it?” 

“Why, indeed,” Loki said. 

“You,” Fury said, “will be interrogated later. The rest of you,” this to the Avengers, “debriefing, now.” 

They filed out, each of them uncomfortably aware of Loki’s gaze following them until they disappeared. 

**

Debriefing was terribly unhelpful. They could only establish that Loki was on Earth. What for, they didn’t know. They couldn’t confirm whether or not he’d escaped or was sent as punishment because Thor wasn’t here. 

Tony did run scans on Loki’s cell using Jarvis and found that Loki’s energy levels were exactly the same as they had been the last time Jarvis took a reading. “I would assume,” Tony said, “that means Loki actually does have his magic. Bruce and I have a pet theory that magic manifests as energy, and Loki radiates a fair amount of cold energy, which is unusual. But, he’s still doing the same thing, and that’s probably his magic stored up. Or something.” 

“Why would he tell us about it?” Steve asked. 

“Because he knew we could figure out whether he had it or not regardless,” Natasha said, “like Tony just did now.” 

“Yeah, but for all we know Asgard didn’t send him,” Clint said, “and I don’t want him here, and I’m pretty sure no one else does either. So, we ask Thor and get him out.” 

“He’s out of prison,” Fury said. “That means that either Asgard gave up custody of Loki or they can’t hold him.” 

“That’s comforting,” Clint muttered. 

“The good news,” Tony said, “is that Bruce and I have been studying magic. The bad news is that we haven’t figured out a way to stop it.” 

“So pretty much, Loki can do whatever the hell he wants,” Clint said. “If he’s staying he’s staying for a reason. He can get out.”

“Until Thor arrives to sort this out,” Fury said, “I need you all here. That means you, Stark.” 

Tony sighed and slumped back in his chair. “I want a private room,” he said. 

“You get what I give you,” Fury snapped. “I need you sharp. Barton, I need you to report to Coulson. The rest of you, dismissed.” 

The group, sans Barton, trudged out with low spirits. “We’re gonna end up bunking with the SHIELD drones,” Tony muttered. 

“They aren’t drones, Tony,” Steve chided. “The real concern is, how do we reach Thor?” 

“God-phone?” Tony suggested. 

“According to Norse Mythology,” Bruce said, “there’s a guy who sees everything. The gatekeeper. He probably knows what’s going on.” 

“According to mythology,” Tony repeated. “We can’t rely on that.” 

“Do you have a god-phone?” Bruce asked. 

“No.” 

“Well.” 

Tony sighed. “This whole thing’s suspicious. Does Asgard really think we don’t have a say in who they send here? We’re not the universal babysitters.” 

“They might have a bit of a superiority complex,” Bruce said. “Most of them haven’t even met mortals.” 

Steve looked disturbed. “We’re expendable.” 

“More than they are, according to whoever calls the shots,” Tony said. It was making him angry to think about it, and if Thor had showed up at this very moment he would’ve laid into him. 

“Thor’s a nice guy,” Steve said. “He wouldn’t just dump this on us.” 

“He’s not king yet,” Bruce pointed out. 

They fell into brooding silence.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's been quite the week. Two new jobs, lots of commuting and stress. BUT tonight and tomorrow I have off so here is a chapter!

Among those at the SHIELD base, sleep didn’t happen. Loki was guarded by two agents who had never met him before, and the Avengers were on standby. They had been encouraged to sleep to gain their strength, but the thought of Loki escaping in the middle of the night and slitting all their throats (or killing them in infinitely more creative and gruesome ways) kept them awake. Tony ran into Clint on the way to the cafeteria for a midnight snack, and Clint looked ill. Tony had clapped him on the back and moved on, because he couldn’t come up with comforting bullshit at the moment. 

Bruce and Tony had taken to monitoring the atmosphere for portals like the one Thor had arrived through the first time he appeared on Earth. Bruce pointed out that Thor hadn’t arrived the same way on later trips, but Tony had records of his various arrivals and the atmospheric disturbances they caused. He even tossed in the readings from Loki’s arrival using the Tesseract, though Thor likely wouldn’t be arriving that way. 

Really, they weren’t doing anything other than keeping each other company and not falling asleep. “You don’t think he’s gonna start another war, do you?” Tony asked. His nightmares of falling through space had eased up, but they were still there, just beyond the fragile curtain of control he’d erected since then. 

“I hope not,” Bruce said. “I’m not really in the mood to destroy all my clothes.” 

“Priorities,” Tony said with a slight grin. Bruce gave him a tight smile back, but nothing could remove the sense of anxiety that permeated the base. 

Dawn rose, the sky bleeding red, and a single alarm began beeping in the lab. Tony rushed over to one of the monitors and said, “Energy spike over the Tower.” 

“I hope Thor knows where we are,” Bruce said. Then, as an afterthought, “I hope it’s Thor.” 

The energy spike faded and Tony waited a moment before reporting the incident to Fury. Fury replied, “We have him on radar” a few seconds later. Then, “I need everyone in the debriefing room, now.” 

Tony and Bruce left the lab, both glad to finally have something to do and answers hopefully immanent. They met Natasha and Clint on the way, Clint nursing a cup of coffee that smelled suspiciously alcoholic. Steve joined them with Coulson just outside the conference room, and they filed in and waited. 

No one sat down. No one wanted to. 

Fury came in a few minutes later, Thor trailing behind him. He looked frazzled, blond hair windswept in every direction. He clenched his hammer like it was a lifeline. 

“I am truly sorry for any problems my brother has caused,” Thor said, stepping forward. “I was not aware that he had been sent to Midgard.” There was an undercurrent of anger in his voice. 

“Odin didn’t consult you?” Fury asked. 

“Deciding Loki’s punishment has been a long and difficult process,” Thor explained. “I admit, I am the cause of much of that delay. I protested many punishments as being too harsh. While Loki remained in a cell, Odin and I fiercely debated the nature of Loki’s crimes and the punishment that should follow. Odin did not trust my judgement,” here, he clenched his jaw, “and it seems he has decided on a punishment without me.” 

“Did he tell you what that punishment was?” Fury asked. 

“Loki wasn’t lying?” Clint asked. 

Thor looked helpless standing there, hammer dangling from his hand. “Odin merely confirmed what I found out: that Loki had appeared on Midgard and had been taken in by SHIELD. I do not know the nature of his punishment. That is between Odin and Loki.” 

“And us,” Fury said. “We need to know if he’s gonna stay here. And, by the way, we never agreed to this. We agreed that Loki would stay in Asgard.” 

“My father does not have the best opinion of mortals,” Thor admitted. 

“Yeah, well don’t let him take it out on us,” Tony said, still annoyed. “What are we supposed to do? We can’t even stop him from using magic.” 

“Odin didn’t give you a way to suppress his powers?” Fury asked. 

Thor’s brow furrowed. “He did not,” he said, sounding a bit surprised. “Most unusual. Loki’s magic had been restricted in his prison in Asgard. I must talk to him.” 

“We need answers,” Natasha said, “not you two fighting again.”

“I need to know what my father plans so that I may be able to change Loki’s punishment, and bring him home,” Thor said. “It is not fair that he has given you this burden.” 

“At least someone thinks so,” Clint muttered. 

“I’ll go with you,” Tony said. “That way, if he makes a move, I’ll have the suit. Jarvis can track him, and the suit makes me a pretty even match against his fighting skills.” 

“It seems our options are limited,” Coulson spoke up. “Do you really have no other information, Thor?” 

Thor shook his head. 

“Fine,” Fury said. “Everyone else, standby. Stark, get in your suit and meet Thor down below.” 

Tony nodded and exited the room, Thor on his tail. 

Not fifteen minutes later, Tony met Thor just outside the hallway that contained Loki’s cell. Two guards were posted outside the door, with another two inside directly observing Loki. Fury joined them a few seconds later. 

“Go get ‘em,” Tony said, gesturing for Thor to go first. 

The guards opened the door and Thor and Tony stepped through. 

Loki was pacing inside his cell, but he stopped in the middle and turned abruptly. His eyes narrowed at the sight of Thor, expression showing nothing but displeasure. Thor walked straight up to the glass, undeterred by Loki’s clear animosity towards him. Tony stayed back, content to watch and not engage. 

“Loki,” Thor said. “I was not aware that father had banished you to Midgard. What is the nature of your punishment?” 

“Did the Allfather not tell you?” Loki asked. “I wonder what reason he could have for not informing his golden son, the future king of Asgard, about the particulars of the punishment of Asgard’s resident monster.” 

Tony winced at the venom of the words. 

“I protested many of the punishments father proposed,” Thor told him, “and I feel that he believes I would not have approved of your current sentence.” 

“You would not approve of a simple banishment to Midgard?” Loki asked. 

“It is an unnecessary burden for this realm to carry,” Thor said. “They were promised your imprisonment in Asgard.” 

“Odin is ever the liar,” Loki sighed. 

Thor frowned. “Loki-“

“Don’t,” Loki interrupted. “Do not talk about the Allfather to me.” 

Thor looked sad. “What are the terms of this punishment?” 

“Pardon?” 

“I was banished,” Thor said, “until I proved my worth, whereupon I would regain my powers and return to Asgard.” 

“The Allfather sees no worth in me,” Loki said, “not even the potential for it. I am banished to Earth permanently.”

This time it was Thor who winced. “Surely that isn’t true.” 

“Isn’t it?” Loki was calm but his words still carried a harsh bite. “There is one thing—it seems in his wisdom Odin has not deprived me of my magic.” 

Thor stared at him. “You lie,” he said. 

“I have not,” Loki said, grinning. “You can take it up with the Allfather himself. I do not lie.” As if to demonstrate, he held out his hand and over his palm hovered a green flame. The flame turned into a dark green feather, which floated to the floor when Loki tipped his hand. He looked back up at Thor, still grinning, but now there was a tightness around his eyes. 

Thor continued to stare. “Impossible,” he murmured. Then, louder, “There must be something else.” 

“Of course,” Loki said, rolling his eyes. “Loki, monster that he is, cannot be trusted with his magic. He will leave destruction in his wake.” 

“That’s not—“

“It’s true,” Loki snarled, grin vanishing behind sudden anger. “Is that not what all of Asgard thinks? That I am incapable of anything but destruction? I bring trouble in my wake. Monsters do not change their ways.” 

Tony could see that Thor was floundering, and he’d always been terrible at not intervening. So he stepped forward and asked, “Why are you so hung up on the monster thing?” 

Loki’s glare transferred to Tony, who felt like his insides were turning to ice. “Did Thor not tell you how his father stole me as a baby from the Frost Giants and used magic to disguise my true nature? How he raised me, believing that Frost Giants were monsters, never telling me the truth? Of course, I wouldn’t expect him to. It is not the kind of story a golden prince of Asgard would tell.” 

“Stop,” Thor interjected, hand tightening on Mjolnir. “That is not the whole story.” 

“I beg to differ,” Loki said. 

“We are not here to talk about your heritage, Loki,” Thor said. “I want to know why the Allfather sent you here, with your magic. What are the conditions of your punishment?” 

Loki addressed Tony: “This is the best SHIELD can do? Send an enemy to try and gain information from me? You would see more success with the Widow.” 

“Wasn’t my call,” Tony said. “Besides, we did get something out of you.” 

“What?” Loki snapped. 

“We got you to demonstrate that you do, in fact, have magic,” Tony said, “which we weren’t sure about. Right now SHIELD scientists and my own Jarvis have downloaded readings from that little spell you just did. You can bet we’re gonna analyze the hell out of it and come up with a way to suppress your magic. Though it does beg the question—if you have your magic why don’t you just poof out of here? What do you want from us?” 

“I want nothing from you,” Loki said, but his hands were clenching and unclenching. Tony had hit a nerve. 

“Lie,” Tony said. “You wouldn’t be here if you weren’t getting something out of it.”

“Would you believe any reason I gave?” Loki asked. 

Tony thought about it. “Fair point,” he admitted. “We’ve been told to disregard 98% of what you say as bullshit.” 

“Stark,” Thor growled. 

“What? You don’t even trust him and you’ve known him for centuries! I’ve known him for five minutes and he threw me out a window.” 

Thor sighed. “Loki, stop this madness and speak plainly with us. What is your plan?” 

“I have no plan,” Loki said, spreading his arms wide. He sounded exasperated. 

“You are always scheming,” Thor said. 

“Scheming every waking moment would become rather exhausting, don’t you think?” Loki asked. He was trying to regain his sense of control and calm. 

Tony decided to shatter it. “Or maybe he’s not lying. Maybe he’s here because he has nowhere else to go.” 

“How observant,” Loki said, sarcastic. 

“Is that true?” Thor asked, suddenly looking hopeful. “Are you here because Odin sent you to Midgard without a plan?” 

“I don’t-“

“He didn’t send Thor to the desert for shits and giggles,” Tony pointed out. “Thor went with Jane because he had no one else. SHIELD was the only option for you because you have no idea how things work here.” 

Loki’s eyes narrowed. “I do not stay here as an act of desperation.” 

“SHIELD provides you food, a shelter over your head, and entertainment,” Tony said. “At the very least, you have a place to crash until you come up with something better.” 

“Is this true, Loki?” Thor asked. 

“I don’t know. Is it?” Loki shot back. “It seems whatever I say is of no consequence to either of you. You make your own truths and put them upon me.”

“You know,” Tony said after a moment of thinking, “you could probably magic up some money and a place to live. You could easily convince people that you were a normal human being if your magic works like I think it does. Why don’t you do that?” He could practically hear Fury screaming to the video feed something to the effect of “Why would you tell him that?” but Tony was pretty sure Loki was smart enough to have thought of it already. And he wanted to know why, if Loki had thought of it, why he wasn’t currently doing it. 

For his part, Loki stared at him. 

“Don’t tell me you haven’t thought about it,” Tony said. 

“You hide something,” Thor said. 

Loki glanced from Thor to Tony and then laughed. “Your skills of deduction are truly a wonder to behold. You make claims about me when you truly know nothing. Your guesses are merely shots in the dark, and you haven’t hit a target yet. Perhaps I am here to make a deal.” 

“Then why haven’t you made it?” Tony asked. 

Loki smirked. “I wanted to see you squirm.” 

“We can make you squirm worse and for longer,” Tony said. “Cut the crap, Loki. If you have something to say, say it.” 

“You can’t keep me here,” Loki said. “I can leave any time I want, but I would rather not be hunted like an animal. Can SHIELD guarantee that I serve my sentence in peace?” 

“No,” Tony said, interrupting Thor, who had been about to speak. “First of all, how long is this punishment, anyway? Do you go back? Were you lying about it being permanent? Second, how do we know you’re not gonna try and take over the world again, or kill a bunch of people just for fun? You’re asking us to trust you after you royally fucked us over, and I’m not authorized to make that decision, and even if I were, which I probably should be, I wouldn’t.” 

“What a shame, Stark,” Loki said. He looked down for a moment, at his hands, and then back up at Thor. “I must bid you farewell, in that case. Until we meet again.” 

“No,” Tony started, firing up his repulsers, but he knew it would be futile. 

Loki vanished. 

Several alarms sounded. Thor actually swung Mjolnir into the glass wall of the cell, cracking it but otherwise doing nothing. Fury would probably rant about it later. Tony watched as agents swarmed, fascinated by the shear amount of meaningless action. Loki was already long gone. Anything else they did was pointless. 

**

Fury didn’t take Loki’s departure lying down. He called another meeting and laid into Thor and Tony. “You had one job—get information. And instead, you convinced him to leave. And now we don’t know where the fuck he is or what the fuck he’s planning next. Got anything to say for yourselves?” 

“It could’ve happened to anyone?” Tony tried. 

The glare Fury sent him could’ve set ice on fire. 

“He would have left anyway,” Steve said. “I think he was just jerking us around. He did tell Tony he wanted to see us squirm.” 

“We don’t have a way to suppress his magic,” Bruce added. He looked at Thor. “Are you sure he didn’t escape and that’s why he still has his magic?” 

“My father would have told me,” Thor said. “Indeed, I asked Heimdall, our gatekeeper, and he confirmed that it was Odin who sent Loki to Midgard as punishment, though he did not provide me with further details.” 

“There’s a missing piece,” Natasha said, frowning, “and it’s a huge missing piece. Loki wouldn’t let himself be captured and he wouldn’t hesitate to use his magic—either to escape or in revenge—without a reason.” 

“It all comes back to magic,” Tony said. “Maybe he has a limited supply until it runs out?” 

“Loki is a creature of magic,” Thor said. “I believe the reason Odin did not make him completely mortal is because it would be impossible to rid Loki of every ounce of magic. He is a true sorcerer, and magic flows through him like the blood in his veins. Perhaps, then, the punishment lies in Loki’s ability to use magic.” 

“Has anyone else been punished that way?” Tony asked. 

Thor shook his head. “Sorcerers are rare, and rarer still are they punished,” he said. “I have not learned enough about magic to know how one may punish a sorcerer for using it.” 

“But it’s an idea,” Tony said. “What if you went home and, you know, just asked?” 

“There’s a novel idea,” Clint muttered. He was resting his head on his arms, folded over each other on the table, and he looked like he wanted to be anywhere else. “Do you all even talk to each other? Or are you the gods of miscommunication?” 

“No,” Thor said. 

“Even if it does have something to do with his magic,” Tony said, “I’m not 100% sure that we can figure out what it is based on readings alone. I hate to say this, but our only hope might be Odin giving us the information.” 

“And we have no guarantee that Odin will do that,” Fury said, glancing at Thor. “Do we.” 

“No,” Thor admitted. “I can return to Asgard and try to figure out the nature of Loki’s punishment, but I can make no promises. My father is-“

“Stubborn?” Tony suggested. 

Thor looked down at his hands. 

“Right,” Steve said. “And in the mean time we return to Stark Tower and wait until Loki makes a move?” 

“Please,” Tony scoffed. “Bruce and I can actively search for him. Any time he uses magic, we’ll know about it. Or we’ll sort of know about it. The tech isn’t exactly solid, but we can fine-tune it as we go along.” 

“And if we find him?” Natasha asked. “Do we take him in only for him to escape again?” 

“Will he want to use magic to escape if he’s being punished for it?” Tony pointed out. 

“We don’t know that,” Natasha said. 

“The punishment, if it exists, could be negligible,” Bruce added. 

“If we find him, I can kill him,” Clint suggested. “I have a few methods that’ll probably work.” 

“You will not kill him,” Thor growled. “He was not given a death sentence and I do not intend to let him die.” 

“You still feel like he can learn from his mistakes?” Tony said. 

It was meant to be sarcastic, but Thor’s answering “Yes” was so sincere that Tony felt a bit ashamed of himself and didn’t press the issue. Neither did anyone else, so they probably felt the same way. Thor’s sincerity was the sort that could make a person speechless, either with how foolish it was, or how pure it was. 

Nobody liked the position they’d been put in, but at the end of the meeting they had a sketchy course of action: Thor would return to Asgard and attempt to gain more information. Bruce and Tony would try to track Loki’s magic use and find him before he did anything. And the rest of the Avengers would be on standby, waiting for Loki’s next move and hoping that it wouldn’t result in the loss of more lives. 

**

Loki reappeared in the middle of New York City, the rush of human life everywhere around him. He felt unsteady and managed to stagger into the wall of a building, where he leaned against the stone and gathered himself. 

Stark had been right: he could easily gain shelter and play at being human. It would cost magic—small magic, but still, every spell cast was another part of his memory lost faster than necessary. He took stock, trying to figure out what was missing this time. 

He needed to write down what he didn’t want to forget, and soon. A thorough search of his mind turned up a startling blank from his earlier years—he could not recall how he’d begun his interest in magic, or what had precipitated his switch from learning to be a warrior to learning to be a sorcerer. The only thing he hadn’t forgotten was that Frigga had taught him, though he couldn’t remember the exact moment she had offered, nor the reactions of others. He knew they hadn’t been good, based on the memories he still retained of his later years, but there was nothing specific that he could pin down. 

It disturbed him. 

He could feel his life leaving him, and he dreaded the point where he wouldn’t even be able to tell that he had lost anything. 

Taking a deep breath and pushing the dizziness aside, he joined the crowd of people rushing down the street.


	3. Chapter 3

The computer monitor beeped for the third time in two days and Tony traced the signal back to Latveria. Again. 

“I forgot that there were other magic users on this damned piece of rock,” Tony muttered, turning off the alarm. It was highly unlikely Loki had gone to Dr. Doom to seek shelter. Evil as they both were, Tony got the impression that Loki was loathe to ask anyone for help, let alone someone who ruled over an entire country. Asking a king for help would wound Loki’s sense of pride even more than asking SHIELD would. Probably. 

Bruce gave Tony an amused smile. “I guess Doom really likes his magic,” he said. 

“Too much,” Tony said. The first alarm had woken him up in the middle of the night, and he had been angry, to put it mildly, when he’d realized it wasn’t Loki’s magic that Jarvis had picked up. “I should just have Jarvis ignore anything from Latveria.” 

“Unless you really think Loki’s gonna turn up there, that might be a wise course of action,” Bruce agreed. 

Tony sighed and said, “Jarvis, you got that?” 

“Yes, sir,” Jarvis said. “Ignoring all readings from Latveria now.” 

“Thanks,” Tony said. Then, to Bruce, “What if Loki’s magic doesn’t show up?” 

“We’re monitoring the world in a bunch of other ways,” Bruce pointed out. “We’ll get him.” 

Tony thought back to the months of sleepless nights spent in his workshop, building bigger and better suits to try and combat a war that had already passed. “I hope so,” he said. 

**

Unbeknownst to Tony and Bruce, SHIELD had already tracked down Loki and was planning on handling the matter more delicately than the Avengers would as a team. To that end, Fury sent out Natasha to monitor an apartment complex in lower Manhattan, where security cameras had picked up on Loki’s image quite a few times. 

“If you find him,” Fury told her, “don’t attack. Talk to him. Make sure he doesn’t disappear again. Don’t bring Barton. This is more delicate than that.” 

Natasha gave Fury a curt nod. A few moments later Clint found her as she was trying to leave and said, “I heard Fury had a mission for you.” 

“He does,” Natasha said. “It’s a solo mission.” 

Clint narrowed his eyes. “It’s Loki, isn’t it.” 

“It’s classified.” 

“I’m on the same clearance level as you,” Clint said, following her out of the building. 

Natasha stopped walking and spun around. “Clint, there is a reason I’m on this mission and you’re not.” Her gaze was hard and unyielding. 

Clint swallowed and stepped back. “Sorry, Nat,” he said. “I just hate feeling useless.” 

Natasha nodded. “I know. But it’s more helpful if you don’t kill Loki.” 

Clint sighed. “Is it petty to want to put an arrow to his eye?” 

“No,” Natasha said. 

“But it isn’t in the best interests for the team,” Clint continued. 

“Yes.” 

“Right.” Clint raised his hand in a mock-salute. “Good luck, Agent Romanov. See you on the other side.” He spun around with perfect military precision and strode back into the SHIELD base. 

Natasha could admit to herself that she felt bad, denying Clint that which he needed most: revenge. She would be willing to string his bow for him if it meant that his nightmares would stop, and it would have the added bonus of Loki not being a thorn in their side anymore. But that wasn’t what was asked of her, and Natasha knew when to follow the rules and when to break them. 

This was not a time to break the rules. 

The situation was delicate at best and a time-bomb at worst and she didn’t want to be responsible for the explosion. If she could diffuse the situation quietly, she would. Hopefully less lives would be lost that way and they wouldn’t violate any interplanetary laws that she didn’t know existed. And Thor wouldn’t look like someone had torn out his heart, stomped on it, and then poured acid all over the remains because he could still feel it. She was good at not letting emotions get to her, but no one liked to see Thor upset. 

The likelihood of finding Loki in the middle of Manhattan on a good day was slim, but the city was strangely crowded when Natasha arrived. She realized, belatedly, that it was the weekend, which explained the heightened population. She couldn’t believe that she’d forgotten the day. Then again, the past few days had been stressful. 

Still, she found the area where cameras had picked up on Loki’s image most often and most recently. There were six apartment buildings in the vicinity, each capable of holding hundreds of tenants. She could talk to the landlords, if she could find them. Some of them were notoriously absent until rent was due, and then they were impossible to ignore. 

She took a deep breath and entered the first building with sunglasses covering her eyes and a scarf wrapped around her head. It was one of the most used disguises ever, but it was effective.

It took two days to get a hit—Loki was in an apartment building on the street corner, not in range of the cameras. He simply walked past them on his way to the apartment, and the corner didn’t have cameras trained on the sidewalk or the intersection because there was no street light there. He had, evidently, registered under the name Mr. Laufeyson, and Natasha knew that magic was involved because most landlords wouldn’t take in a tenant with only a last name. Indeed, the landlord she talked to seemed rather dazed any time she asked about Loki, which was disturbing. She hoped he was being stringent enough about his magic that he wouldn’t use the same spell on her. 

After making the appropriate preparations (which involved notifying SHIELD and hiding plenty of weaponry on her person, as well as putting on an earpiece that would record her conversation and send it to SHIELD) she made her way up to the ninth floor of the apartment building in question and knocked on the door to the unit that Loki supposedly lived in. 

She wasn’t expecting him to actually answer. 

After a few seconds of waiting, just in case, she pulled out a gun, aimed it forward and kicked open the door. 

Loki sat on a couch not too far away from her with an expectant look and a cup of tea. 

The whole thing was so ridiculous that had Natasha been anyone else, she would have laughed. As it was, she was herself and so she lowered and holstered her gun (not taking her hand off of it, just in case) and closed the door behind her before stepping inside. 

“Loki,” she said. 

“Have you come to arrest me?” Loki asked. He looked like Stark did when Stark was on a 72-hour workshop binge, minus the oil and grime. He was wearing a dark green sweater and black pants, and Natasha found herself surprised at how normal he could look. 

“Not necessarily,” Natasha said. “I came to get information. Thor’s gone back to Asgard to talk to Odin.” 

“He won’t succeed,” Loki told her, placing his teacup down on the coffee table. The coffee table, which was made of glass, looked extremely modern and not at all like something a sorcerer from Asgard would have lying around his (admittedly, also exceedingly modern) apartment. “If he had known of Odin’s plans, well, there would be no plans.” 

Natasha unraveled the scarf from her head with her free hand and tossed it behind her. Loki watched the fabric float to the floor, then glanced back up at Natasha. “You want answers.” 

“Yes,” Natasha said. “Answers that I can believe. You can’t lie to me.” 

“Can’t I?” Loki asked, giving her a sharp grin. “Is that a challenge, Agent Romanov?” 

“A fact,” Natasha said. “They sent me for a reason, Loki.” She paused, allowing that to sink in. Then, “I’m not here to arrest you. Not yet.”

“Your objective is to lull me into a false sense of security,” Loki said. “You’ll make sure I don’t run. And then what? Take me back to SHIELD. See how much magic I’m willing to use up trying to avoid your agents, and the Avengers?”

“How much magic are you willing to use?” Natasha asked. “And is that a confirmation of the fact that you can only use limited amounts of magic?” 

“There is no limit to the amount of magic I can use,” Loki told her, rolling his eyes. 

“Thor said Odin can’t completely take away your magic,” Natasha said. “That’s why you still have it. But that doesn’t mean he didn’t make consequences for your using it.” 

“How clever of you,” Loki drawled. “I suppose Director Fury feels satisfied that he’s managed to figure out as much without any input from me.” 

“You’re afraid of looking weak,” Natasha said. 

“Aren’t we all,” Loki murmured. “Weakness is your greatest enemy, Agent Romanov.” 

“And what’s yours?” 

Loki smirked, his expression hardening. “Sentiment.” He paused, seemed to think for a moment, and then added, “You know how compromising sentiment can be. I imagine it would be easier to…forget…the attachments we hold to other people. It would make us more efficient.” 

Natasha thought about the many times she wished she didn’t have emotions, and then thought about how much that scared her, too. Because then she’d be just a ruthless killing machine. 

Clint had saved her from that fate. 

But emotions and the life she led were hard to reconcile. 

“You still feel something towards Thor,” Natasha said. “It prevents you from killing him.” 

The smirk on Loki’s face vanished, replaced by something colder. “I lack conviction. That is what your fellow agent said before I impaled him.” 

“He’s alive, by the way,” Natasha told him. “So you weren’t successful. Maybe he was right.” 

“It is a weakness, I admit, that I am not fond of,” Loki said. “The problem is this: if you forget the sentiment, do you also forget the reason you were fighting in the first place? Do you lose the very reason why you needed to be ruthless?” 

Natasha hadn’t thought of it that way. She said, “I was thinking more along the lines of becoming an emotionless robot, but you can look at it that way.” 

“I was not speaking of losing emotions,” Loki said. 

That was clear. They had been going in entirely different directions up until now. 

Loki was trying to tell her something. She could feel it. 

“What do you want?” she asked. 

“I want you to leave me here,” Loki said. “Do not interfere until I’ve made a decision.” 

“About what?” Natasha asked. “How will we know you’ve made it?” 

“You will know,” Loki said. 

“You’ll leave,” Natasha said. 

Loki shook his head. “Consequences, Agent Romanov.” 

Natasha frowned. “What consequences?” 

“I can’t give everything away so easily,” Loki told her. “You’ll have to work for it. Come here.” 

Natasha hesitated. Loki raised an eyebrow and she walked towards him, pausing at the edge of the couch. 

“Look,” Loki said. He turned around so that his back was to her—a risky move, considering who she was and their relationship. For a moment, Natasha was tempted to shoot him. But she wasn’t Clint, and instead she watched as Loki swept his long black hair away from his neck, revealing pale skin and—

A sign. 

No, a rune. Natasha had seen enough runes with Thor around to know what they looked like. This one was unfamiliar. It looked like it had been carved into Loki’s skin and then had scarred over. Either way, it was a permanent mark, and hidden as it was under his hair, she wasn’t surprised none of them had picked up on it. Even Thor wouldn’t think to check there. 

“Can I take a photo?” Natasha asked. 

“Faulty memory?” Loki quipped. He lowered his hand and his hair fell back into place before he turned around, expression blank. 

“I’ll remember it,” Natasha said. “Did it hurt?” 

“Yes,” Loki said. 

“Good.” Natasha turned and walked out. 

**

“Jarvis, pull up everything about runes you can find.” 

Tony, Bruce, Natasha, and Fury stood in the workshop of Stark Tower, where Fury had decided to meet after Natasha reported back to him. Once gathered, Natasha had drawn the rune on a piece of paper, and the others had stared at it for a moment before Tony declared the quite obvious fact that none of them knew what it meant. 

“Stop wasting my time and find out,” Fury demanded. 

“I’m having Jarvis run through every possible piece of information on the internet that he can find, stuff from educational databases, and then some,” Tony said. “He should have something by tomorrow. Patience. He’s only—well, not human. But he’s doing the best he can. Which is the best any computer can do.” 

Fury sighed and turned to Natasha. “Stay here. Call me with the results.” 

Natasha nodded and Fury swept out of the room, leaving an awkward silence in his wake. 

“So,” Tony said. “Loki has a nice apartment that totally isn’t an evil lair of doom?” 

“It’s surprisingly normal,” Natasha said. 

“Huh.” Tony shrugged. “I didn’t know Loki could be so boring.” 

“I don’t think he wants to draw attention to himself,” Bruce said, “and evil lairs of doom kind of…draw attention.” 

“No logic in the lab,” Tony said. “So what happens when you find out what that means?” A pause. “Wait, did he just show you this tattoo on the back of his neck?” 

“Scar,” Natasha corrected, and Tony made a face and muttered “ew” while Bruce’s eyes widened. “Someone carved it into him,” she added, just to see Tony squirm. 

“Back to the original question,” Bruce said, “what does it mean?” 

“It has to do with Odin’s punishment,” Natasha said. “There is something we’re missing. He says Odin won’t tell Thor. He also said the rune was a consequence. Or had to do with the consequences of disappearing again.” 

“Bastard,” Tony said, “making us jump through hoops to figure out something that’s probably obvious.” 

“We would’ve figured out the obvious already,” Bruce said. 

“Oh yeah, we’re geniuses,” Tony said, but he didn’t look comforted. “And if Thor’s pretty much on the most useless mission ever, what does that mean? If Odin doesn’t want Thor to find out about whatever it is, and we find out, do we tell Thor?” 

Natasha didn’t have a good answer to that one. As their teammate, yes. Under Odin’s conditions, no. But there was another facet to this that she thought about, that also weighed down the issue. “Loki doesn’t want him to know.” 

“You’d think Loki wouldn’t give up a chance to gloat about how awful Thor’s father is,” Tony said, nodding. “Which means…what? Why wouldn’t he want to shove Odin’s supposed cruelty in Thor’s face?” 

Natasha thought about how calm Loki had been in showing her. “Maybe he doesn’t want Thor to know because Thor would try to stop the punishment.” 

“And he doesn’t want Thor to stop the punishment,” Bruce said. “Which means it benefits him, somehow?” 

“Or he gets off on being punished,” Tony suggested. “Masochistic son-of-a-bitch.” 

“Or he wants the consequences for some other reason,” Natasha said. Loki had mentioned losing sentiment, and how it would benefit him, but in losing it, he might also lose his reason for needing the sentiment to be gone. “Or he doesn’t know whether he wants it and is pretending he does. Or he doesn’t have a choice and is pretending that Thor not knowing is his choice.” Did the punishment have to do with Loki somehow losing his capacity for sentiment in regards to Thor? 

“Swapping theories is all well and good,” Bruce said, “but we won’t know anything until Jarvis translates that rune. We should probably wait.” 

Tony nodded and Natasha sighed. “Let me know when you get something,” she said, and walked out of the room before another conversation about Loki’s motives could resume. She wanted nothing more than to sleep, and to stop thinking about it for the time being. She didn’t want her mind to be full of thoughts of Loki when it didn’t have to be. 

But he had a point, and it was chilling. Sentiment. Once she, too, had wanted it gone.


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I personally think Odin is being cruel. That is all.

The next day Jarvis called them into Tony’s workshop at nine in the morning, having translated the rune overnight. 

“Spill,” Tony said. “What’d you get?” 

“I’ve uploaded the results to each of your cellular devices,” Jarvis said. 

Tony took out his phone and pulled up Jarvis’ latest message. Bruce did the same, and while they looked Jarvis gave them an audible explanation. “The rune is most commonly translated as memory,” he explained. “The rune sir showed me is reversed, which would imply a loss of memory. I’ve uploaded several sources regarding usage and the meaning of reversed runes.” 

“Thanks, Jarv,” Tony said, flicking through the sources. He turned to Bruce. “Memory.” 

“Lack of memory,” Bruce said. “That’s most likely what the rune on Loki’s neck means.” 

“But what does it mean for him?” Tony said, grimacing. “Stupid question. Or not. How do runes and magic intersect? Loki mentioned consequences. How does that come into play? The rune is the consequence, and it means lack of memory. Loki can’t remember how to cast certain spells?” 

Bruce nodded, thoughtfully. “We have equations,” he said, “to make stuff happen or to explain how stuff happens in science. Maybe runes are Asgard’s equivalent of equations. They make a certain spell happen, or channel it.” 

Tony brought up the picture of the rune Natasha had drawn yesterday. “So this is the equation. The thing is, Loki knows how to use spells. He didn’t forget that—he used magic to break out of SHIELD’s prison. So that’s not it.” 

“Maybe he’s meant to forget Asgard,” Bruce suggested. 

“He remembers that, too,” Tony said, running a hand through his hair and making it stand up. “Jarvis, get Natasha in here.”

“Yes, sir.” 

Natasha arrived a few minutes later. “I heard you translated it,” she said. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “It’s a reversal of the memory rune, so it means to forget. We think. Problem is, we don’t know what Loki’s forgetting. He hasn’t forgotten how to do magic, he hasn’t forgotten about Asgard, he hasn’t forgotten what he’s done in New York. Did he tell you anything?” 

“He told me a lot of things,” Natasha said, but she sounded as though she were running the conversation through her mind. “He mentioned sentiment, and forgetting the reason for being angry at someone-“ She cut herself off, and Bruce and Tony exchanged a look. “Odin wants him to forget why he was so angry at him and Thor in the first place. Then, Loki will have no reason to hurt them. They can make him a friend instead of an enemy.” 

“That…could very well be it,” Tony said, and he shuddered because it was creepy, to think about someone losing that sort of memory. To think about losing the very thing that had driven you for years, even if it had driven you in the wrong direction. To have something picking away at your mind. “But why send him here?” 

“He can get away from Asgard for a while,” Bruce said, “and by the time he goes back, if they take him back, he’ll have forgotten why he hated it in the first place. He might not even remember why he’s here, just that he is, and when Odin or Thor brings him back, he’ll be happy to follow.” 

It was an unpleasant thought, the sort of manipulation that Tony only thought SHIELD capable of. He remembered that Thor didn’t know exactly what Loki’s punishment was. 

“Loki knows,” he murmured. 

A brief look of horror crossed Bruce’s face. Tony turned to Natasha. “He knows, right?” 

“He has to,” Natasha said. “He wouldn’t have told me what he did if he didn’t know. He knows why the rune is there. He’s a sorcerer. He has to be aware of what kind of spells people put on him.” 

“And he can’t break it?” Bruce asked. 

“Maybe it’s too powerful,” Natasha said. “Odin is the Allfather. That implies all-powerful.” 

“Well, fuck,” Tony said. 

“You’re not thinking of breaking it, are you?” Natasha asked. 

“I’m not a fan of people playing around in other peoples’ minds,” Tony said. Natasha started to say something, and Tony hastily added, “I know Loki did that to Clint, and I think it was messed up as fuck. But do we really want to bend down to his level?” 

Natasha raised an eyebrow. “So you’re willing to try and save him?” 

“I couldn’t begin to figure out how,” Tony admitted. “It’s a nice thought, but I’m not that nice a person. Most of me believes Loki deserves it, even if part of me is really creeped out. But still, you’d think Loki could break the spell.” 

“Maybe breaking the spell has its own consequences,” Natasha said. 

“Maybe.” Tony glanced at his phone again, at the rune. He imagined its counterpart, carved into Loki’s neck, stark against pale skin. “Can’t you just ask him?” 

“I can visit him,” Natasha said, “assuming he hasn’t run away.” 

“I hope he hasn’t,” Tony said. “Then we have a problem.” 

“I’ll try,” Natasha said. “Why do you want to know?” 

“Curiosity,” Tony said, “and maybe a little bit of responsibility. After all, Odin sent him here. He’s our responsibility now, right?” 

Natasha raised an eyebrow. 

“Curiosity, then,” Tony said. 

**

Natasha found herself in front of Loki’s apartment for the second time. She knocked, and Loki opened the door, looking amused that she had come so soon after her last visit. 

“I assume you have knowledge of my predicament, now,” Loki said. 

“For the most part.” Natasha swept past him, inside. A small, black journal lay on the coffee table, a pen discarded next to it. She took a seat on the couch and looked up at him. “We still need some clarification on a few aspects of your punishment.” 

“A moment,” Loki said. He crossed the room and took a seat on the opposite end of the couch. “Tell me what you believe you know.” 

Natasha didn’t like playing her cards on the table for all to see. She was much more accustomed to hiding knowledge than sharing it, so she hesitated before saying, “We know that Odin has cast a memory spell on you. Or rather, a spell to get rid of your memories pertaining to your conflict with Odin and Thor. After these memories are gone, you won’t have a reason to fight them, and you’d probably even willingly go with them back to Asgard.” 

Loki laughed, a harsh sound in the otherwise quiet apartment. It wasn’t a laugh born of happiness, or humor. Natasha had laughed that way herself when she found something so ridiculous that she had to. 

“Insidious,” Loki managed after he’d finished laughing, “but not quite true, I’m afraid. Odin’s punishment is much, much worse.” 

Natasha frowned. “That seems like a pretty harsh punishment. How could it be worse? You talked about not wanting to lose what made you so angry. You talked about sentiment.” 

“I wished to lose my sentiment,” Loki said. “It would be lost with my anger, not as a separate entity.” 

“That doesn’t make sense,” Natasha said. “Why would Odin get rid of your sentiment? It helps him if you still consider him family.” 

“Why, indeed,” Loki said, watching her closely. “Shall I tell you, or leave you to figure it out?” 

“What you’re saying,” Natasha said, “is that Odin wants to get rid of his enemy, but doesn’t want him on his side.” 

“Odin has no need of me anymore,” Loki murmured. 

“What did he do, exactly?” Natasha asked. She was done playing games. She needed information, not to be run around in circles. 

Loki gave her a tight smile. “You were close, but not quite there. Odin did place a memory spell on me, a powerful one. The spell is meant to wipe my memory clean. Every time I use my magic, the process accelerates. The spell is only complete when I have no memories of my life left. A clean slate, so to speak. That is where you come in. You can choose to do with me what you will, and I will be completely at your mercy.” 

Natasha swallowed against a suddenly tight throat. “You can’t break the spell?” 

“I’ve been toying with the idea,” Loki said. “Right now, I feel as if my mind is water running through a sieve, and I can’t control it. I know that with each day that passes, I am less of myself. I lose myself. My personality may remain the same, but how much personality is left after the memories that have shaped me are gone? I can break the spell, but in breaking the spell I will use up enough magic that the spell would run its course in the course of me breaking it. I would be left as no one, with nothing but my name and my magic, which I will no longer know how to use properly.” 

Natasha could see the brief flashes of fear in his eyes, but Loki remained surprisingly calm as he described the destruction his life. Had she been subjected to the same thing, she would be furious, and she might not be able to live with knowing that her whole life was being erased while she watched, with the result being that she would never know what happened in the first place. 

On the other hand, no memories meant that Loki wasn’t tied down by who he had been and what he had done. A clean slate. 

A quote from Hamlet sprang to mind, about being cruel in order to be kind. Is that what Odin had done in casting this spell? 

Loki was still watching her. Natasha glanced at the coffee table, and the journal there caught her eye. “What’s that?” 

“Memories,” Loki said. “I’ve written what’s important.” 

Natasha stared at the black journal that contained Loki’s life. Not even his whole life—just the highlights, as it were. She couldn’t imagine. 

“You’ve prepared,” she managed to say. 

Loki nodded. “I have no choice in the punishment, but there are some aspects of my future that I may control.” 

“Odin wants SHIELD to integrate you into society,” Natasha said. 

“Or imprison me,” Loki said. “Or do what they wish with me.” 

“You’ll still have your magic,” Natasha said, “and you could still be dangerous. You know how to use weapons. At some point it becomes more like instinct than memory.” 

“Uncontrolled magic,” Loki said. “Perhaps you will choose imprisonment.” 

Natasha honestly couldn’t say. She still had to talk it over with Fury. 

“How long?” she asked. 

“I have been thinking,” Loki said. “I can sit here, and wait for the spell to run its course as my mind is slowly stripped bare for as long as it takes, knowing what it is I am losing and doing nothing. Or I can take matters into my own hands, and spare myself the torture.” 

“What do you mean?” 

“Break the spell,” Loki said, holding out his hands. “Accelerate the process.” And he gave her a too-wide grin. 

“Loki-“ Natasha started, but Loki’s hands began to glow with a strange, green energy and his eyes lit up in concentration. His lips began to move as he silently mouthed words, and the air around them became charged. 

Natasha stood up and backed away. Loki seemed to be electrified with energy. “Loki!” she called again, but Loki was too far gone in the spell he was weaving. She called SHIELD. “I need backup.” The light from Loki’s hands flared, and his eyes widened. “Now.” 

A flash blinded Natasha, and the force of the spell sent her into the nearest wall. She shielded her eyes and heard a thud, and then a groan. She opened her eyes and saw that the room had returned to normal, and Loki was lying on the floor. 

She pushed herself away from the wall and moved forward, cautiously. Loki hadn’t moved. She called his name, softly, and he moaned. She stopped short of the coffee table, unsure of what to do, knowing that backup would be here at any moment to take him off her hands. But she felt the need to do something. 

She reached down and touched Loki’s shoulder. 

Loki whirled around, shocked, his eyes widening as he backed away from Natasha. She held up her hands. “I’m not here to hurt you.” 

Loki’s eyes narrowed, but Natasha felt despair. The door burst open behind her but she could only stare into Loki’s eyes, at the anger and barely concealed fear, because there was something far worse behind all of that. 

Blankness. No recognition. He had no idea who she was.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, um, here it is. Another chapter. Enjoy!

Lights, sounds, strange men. He had no idea where he was or how he had gotten here. The red-haired woman had stared at him with such—fear? Pity? The thought of someone pitying him made him angry. Perhaps she meant to hurt him and couldn’t. The men who came in after her grabbed him, roughly, and put strange metal circles around his wrists that restricted the movement in his hands. He felt strangely exhausted, and he could not think of why. It was as if all the energy in his body had been drained, leaving him hollow. 

As he searched his thoughts, after the guards tossed him into a cell, he realized that his mind was empty. Blank. Someone threw a black book onto the floor of the cell. He regarded it with a sort of weariness. Why would they give him a book if he was a prisoner? 

What had he done? 

He was disturbed, and fear welled up inside him, though he made a promise to himself not to show it. Those people who put him in this cell would take advantage. But he felt as though he were missing something, and the emotion that came with this was one of deep, profound sadness. He would not shed tears. He knew he should know these people, know what he had done, know something. 

But he knew nothing. Not even his name.

He had to calm down. He took deep breaths and focused on the book on the floor. After he felt calm enough to move without shaking, he slid off the cot he’d been given and knelt down by the book, picking it up. He opened to the first page. 

In scripted handwriting, he read the first sentence. 

“Your name is Loki Laufeyson.” 

He shut the book and tossed it across the cell, where it hit one of the concrete walls with a thud. 

**

“Thor’s still in Asgard,” Tony said as Fury ushered the Avengers into one of SHIELD’s conference rooms. “Please tell me Loki’s behaving.” 

“He hasn’t said a word,” Fury said. He looked at Natasha, who was sitting in one of the chairs with her arms folded over her chest. Clint sat next to her, looking concerned. “Natasha paid him a visit and apparently he performed quite the magic show.” 

“I love magic shows,” Tony said. 

“You wouldn’t have liked this one,” Clint said. “Loki’s a dick. He pretty much erased his memory with Natasha in the room.” 

Tony cringed. Natasha remained silent. The rest of the group exchanged looks. Then Steve asked, “How?” 

“We only got it partially right,” Natasha said, quietly. “The spell meant to take away his memory completely. All that stuff he said—that was him trying to figure out whether he should let it happen slowly or try to break the spell so that his memories would be erased all at once.” 

“I wouldn’t wish that choice on, well,” Bruce muttered, looking down when he realized the irony of his words. 

“So now we have to deal with this guy who doesn’t remember the horrible things he did?” Tony asked. 

“I know,” Clint said. “I’d rather just throw him to the wolves. Not literally, but.” 

“He has an apartment,” Natasha said. “He’s probably established himself somewhat.” 

“Yeah, except now he doesn’t remember how he did it,” Tony said. “The real question is: do we want to be responsible for him?” 

“He could be useful,” Fury remarked. “He has gifts. He still has his magic. He can be taught to fight, and we know he’s capable.”

“You want to make him part of SHIELD?” Steve asked. 

Fury folded his hands together. “Yes.” 

“Oh, hell no,” Clint snapped. “I’m not working with him.” 

“He’s a blank slate,” Tony said. “Ever heard of second chances?” 

“This is personal,” Clint argued. 

“For all of us,” Natasha added. 

“And who among us hasn’t been given that clean slate?” Steve asked. 

“Isn’t this taking advantage of him?” Bruce asked. 

“He took advantage of us,” Clint pointed out. “He wouldn’t hesitate to do the same thing.” 

“It’s wasted potential,” Fury said. “Loki can either go back to Asgard, and we still don’t know whether that’s what Odin wants, or we can use him here.”

“He doesn’t know magic,” Tony said, “even if he has it. And is uncontrolled magic dangerous? We don’t know. We haven’t run the proper tests-“

“Since when do you care about danger?” Fury asked. 

“I’m just saying, it’s a lot of work,” Tony said. “Might not be worth it, in the end.” 

“He wrote down his memories in that black book,” Natasha spoke up. “The one left in his cell. The important stuff.” 

“Did he read it?” Tony asked. Natasha shrugged. 

Fury sighed. “Maybe he shouldn’t.” 

“What do we tell Thor?” Steve asked. 

They all fell into silence, unsure. Answers were few. After some moments, Fury turned to Natasha. “Talk to him.” 

“Why me?” Natasha asked. 

“Because it’s one of your strengths,” Fury said, “and I know you won’t fuck it up.” 

Natasha stood and left the room. Clint watched her go and then turned on Fury. “She’s upset. Why’d you do that?” 

“You want the job?” Fury asked. 

“No.” 

“Then shut up. I know what I’m doing.” 

“I hope so,” Tony said, “because a lot of people are gonna be hurt if you don’t.” 

**

Natasha made her way down to Loki’s cell. She didn’t want to see Loki—a few hours ago he had been the man who had tried to take over New York, a self-proclaimed god and king, a powerful sorcerer. Technically, Loki was still these things, but he didn’t know it. What he thought he was, Natasha couldn’t guess, but she imagined he thought he was nothing and no one, restricted to a cell and controlled by those around him. 

His lack of memory would make him easy to manipulate and mold into whatever SHIELD wanted, as long as his personality hadn’t remained too much intact. She would have to take away his journal and hide it, make sure that he didn’t see what he’d once held important. She could replace those memories with new priorities, new important items in Loki’s life. 

It wasn’t ethical. But, perhaps, it was the best course of action for the sake of everyone else. 

When she reached the cell and began to unlock the entrance, she was surprised to see Loki sitting on the cot against the wall with his knees pulled up to his chest, arms hugged around his legs. The journal had been discarded in a corner, which made Natasha nervous—had he read it already?

She stepped inside the cell and Loki’s eyes followed her every movement. It was unnerving to look at him—despite the lack of recognition his gaze was sharp as ever, and this could have been the old Loki if they hadn’t ever met. She glanced at the journal in the corner and then back at Loki. 

“Did you read that?” she asked. 

“The first page,” Loki said. “It tells me my name is Loki Laufeyson.” 

Natasha raised her eyebrows. “And you stopped there?” 

“I don’t know who wrote it,” Loki told her, “or why information about my life is in that book. Perhaps it is lies.” 

Natasha nodded. She was a little disappointed—Loki’s natural suspicion and sharpness would make her job harder. “I can see why you’d not trust it,” Natasha said. “I can figure out where it came from, if that helps.” 

“Who are you?” Loki asked. “You were with me earlier, when those men took me away. Are you acquainted with my jailer?”

“I just met you,” was the lie Natasha decided on. “Who are you?” 

Uncertainty and not a small amount of fear flashed in Loki’s eyes, but he seemed to be trying to remain calm. “Loki Laufeyson.” 

“A name isn’t much.” 

“I seem to have forgotten the rest,” Loki said, a slight tremor in his voice. Then, with more bite, “Is that the work of your agents, too?” 

“No,” Natasha said. “You were already like that when we found you.” 

“You could tell me anything.” 

“It’s the truth.” 

Loki’s eyes narrowed. He unfolded his legs, allowing them to hang off the edge of the cot. It was a more relaxed position, but his body was still stiff. “Why have you imprisoned me? Have I done something?” 

“We just needed a place to keep you until we figured out who you were,” Natasha said. She gestured to the cot. “May I?” 

“Fine.” Loki moved over so that when Natasha took her seat, they were as far away as possible. He never took his eyes off her, and he seemed to search her every movement, word, and expression for something. “Have you found no evidence as to who I was before?” 

“Aside from that journal, the origins of which we’re still unsure, no,” Natasha replied. “You have an apartment. No job. No family living nearby. We thought it might be better for you to come here than to leave you there to figure things out for yourself.” 

“How kind,” Loki said. “Is memory loss not something that can be cured? By healers?” 

Natasha noted the use of the word “healer,” something unique to Asgard, rather than “doctor.” Some things had imprinted on the brain that the spell could not reach, apparently, like hints left behind. “No,” she said, “doctors can’t. They can only determine the cause. It’s usually a head injury.” 

Loki considered this. “My head feels fine. My body is tired. I feel as though my very blood is too tired to run through my veins.” 

“Whatever happened must have been traumatic,” Natasha said. “You need rest.” 

“Perhaps,” Loki said, “but what happens in the morning?” 

“I have a proposal for you,” Natasha said. “I can tell you when you wake up.” 

“No,” Loki said. “I wish to know now.” 

“I’m not sure-“

“I have so little knowledge,” Loki insisted. “Grant me this. What is it you want of me?”

“Want of you?” Natasha repeated. 

“There is always a price,” Loki said.

Natasha frowned. “Where’d you get that from?” 

Loki opened his mouth and closed it again. Then he murmured, “A strong feeling.” He swallowed, shaking it off. “But is it not true?” 

“Not always,” Natasha said. “In this case, you’d benefit as much as we would. I have some friends, and we work together to help rid the world of crime that the police can’t really deal with. We were thinking—we could train you so that you could fight alongside us.” 

“Why would you want me?” Loki asked. 

“We recruit people without families,” Natasha said. “It’s easier that way. The organization is called SHIELD.” 

“You don’t know that I don’t have a family,” Loki pointed out, “only that I have no memories of them.” 

“We couldn’t find them,” Natasha said. “We tried to contact them.” 

“What makes you think I am the type of person who can do the type of work you need?”

“Intuition,” Natasha said. “I’ve been doing this for a long time, and I know the right kind of person when I see them. If you want to start a new life, this is your opportunity. You don’t have to decide now, but when you do, I hope you make the right choice.” She stood up. “Not many people get this kind of chance. Don’t waste it.” Loki’s eyes followed her as she crossed the room and bent down to pick up the journal.

“Why are you taking that?” he asked sharply. 

“I told you,” Natasha said, straightening. “We need to find out where it came from and if the information is valid. Goodnight, Loki.” And she walked out, hoping that she had planted a seed that would start to grow overnight. 

When she debriefed with Fury and Coulson, both were unnerved by Loki’s personality having stayed more intact than they thought it would. She didn’t mind; Loki’s sharpness made her feel less guilty about manipulating him. He wasn’t completely defenseless, he could make his own choices, and he might enjoy the work SHIELD wanted him to do. 

It would go completely against his principals, but Natasha couldn’t help but think that maybe he wouldn’t have cared. He’d wanted to lose his memories when he’d lost them; perhaps it was his convoluted way of asking for a second chance, or another life. 

She understood the feeling quite well.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Enjoy!

The following morning Natasha made her way back to Loki’s cell after the guards had served him breakfast. Loki had only eaten half of the food served to him, and she moved the tray off the cot and placed it on the floor to clear a seat for herself. Loki watched her every moment, analyzing. 

“What do you do?” he asked. 

Natasha put on a small, friendly looking smile. “I gain information.” 

Loki nodded. “And what do you know about me?” 

“You’re a stranger.” 

“You’ve read that journal, haven’t you?” 

“Not completely.” 

“It doesn’t matter,” Loki said. “I can see it when I look into your eyes. Familiarity. The way you look at me makes me feel like we’ve met, even though I’ve no idea who you are aside from your name and who you work for. And that isn’t much.” 

“How do you know what recognition looks like?” Natasha asked. 

“Instinct,” Loki said. “So what do you know?” 

“The recognition comes from hours of studying your case. From finding you in the first place. It doesn’t mean anything,” Natasha told him, hoping that the earnest tone of her voice would convince him. For all that he didn’t know, Loki was still too clever for his own good. 

Loki nodded again. He didn’t looked convinced, but he accepted it. He asked, “I suppose you want an answer?” 

“Only if you’re ready to give it,” Natasha said. 

Loki sighed. “I have nothing,” he said, “that I know of. No job, no family, no identity. Perhaps this is the only thing I can do.” 

“You have a choice,” Natasha reminded him. 

“Do I?” Loki asked. 

“Yes.” 

Loki was silent for a moment. Then he said, “I accept your offer. I’m curious to see what you think I can do.” 

Natasha grinned and stuck her hand out. Loki stared at it. 

“You shake it,” she said. “That’s how people greet each other, or seal a deal.” 

“Right.” Loki took her hand and they shook on it. 

“Come on,” Natasha said, standing up. “Training begins now.” 

Loki followed her out of the cell. 

**

“I think you can fight,” Fury said. 

Loki stood in the middle of a training room, Natasha off to one side and a man called Agent Phil Coulson in front of him. Director Fury was by the door, arms folded, watching over him like a hawk. 

“Why do you say that?” Loki asked. 

“Stuff I’ve read,” Fury said. “The way your body’s built. You’ve been trained.”

“Agent Romanov will spar with you,” Coulson said. “Maybe it’ll bring to mind some instincts you’ve forgotten. If not, we can train you in several styles of hand-to-hand combat. You’ll also learn to use weapons and several different forms of technology.” 

Natasha stepped closer to Loki and he looked her up and down. She smirked at him. 

“I wouldn’t underestimate her,” Coulson continued. “She’s our best.” 

“When do we start?” Loki asked. 

“Now,” Natasha said, and lunged forward. 

Loki was thrown back, caught by surprise, but he managed to hit the ground and flip off his back before Natasha could pin him. Coulson and Fury watched from the sidelines as they both regained their footing and paced in a circle, each waiting for the other to make a move. 

Eventually, Natasha attacked again, and Loki dodged. As he fought, he felt his body reacting in ways that felt natural and right, and somehow he managed to hold his own against Natasha. Their fighting styles were similar—both were light on their feet, and both utilized their lithe frames and quick movements. It was a bit like dancing, and Loki felt like he was regaining a part, however small, of himself. 

Natasha managed to pin him to the ground, her hands on his wrists. Loki couldn’t escape—Natasha wasn’t heavy, but she had him pinned in all the right places. He tried to move and found himself stuck. She was strong. 

He started to panic at the idea of being at the mercy of anyone, stuck on his back with no way to move. A strange feeling started in his chest, almost as if he felt full, his heart beating faster, some sort of energy that he needed to release. And his hands were really, really cold. 

Natasha noticed. She grimaced, and Loki felt his hands go colder, strangely not numb even though they felt like ice. He knew normal hands didn’t get that cold. Natasha’s hands on his wrist felt like they were burning him—if he looked, he imagined he would see scorch marks. But she hadn’t changed temperature, he had, and he had no idea why. 

With a sharp gasp, Natasha released him and jumped up. Loki raised his hands to eye-level. His wrists were fine, unmarked, and his hands looked normal, if a little paler than the rest of him. He looked up at Natasha, whose palms were bright red. 

“I don’t-“ he started. 

“It seems you have some latent abilities,” Coulson said. “Not just fighting, but something else.” 

“I felt strange,” Loki admitted, “as if there was this energy that needed to be released. I panicked. I imagine I’m not supposed to.” 

“No, it’s fine,” Coulson said. “If it gets you out of a hold like that. Agent Romanov?” 

“I’m fine,” Natasha said, rubbing her hands together to draw warmth into them. “He’s good. His style is different. Not the traditional fighting style you see from people like Steve or—you know.” 

Coulson nodded. “We should test your proficiency with weapons.” 

Loki stood up, his hands already returning to their normal temperature. “This isn’t normal,” he said. “I’m not normal, am I?” 

Coulson didn’t even flinch under his piercing gaze. “We don’t need normal. We need extraordinary. It seems that you can help us with that.” 

Loki’s mouth set in a thin line. 

“You’re not convinced,” Natasha said, “but you’ll find that SHIELD deals with a lot of abnormalities. And it’s not a bad things. What makes you different is an asset. Eventually you might be able to harness that strange energy you felt, and it’ll be useful to you and to us.” 

“Weapons,” Coulson reminded them before Loki could respond. “Come on.” 

He led Natasha and Loki out of the room. Fury remained behind, apparently lost in thought. Loki felt weary of him. The Director seemed not to like him; he bristled whenever Loki was in the room. He didn’t voice his concerns, though, because he felt he would get a lie. SHIELD seemed to specialize in lies. 

The weapons Agent Coulson tested him with were varied. Daggers fit into his hands perfectly, and when he threw them he always hit his targets. He surmised, as did the others, that he must have trained with them at some point. He was then given a sword, which felt unwieldy. He swung it around and dueled with Natasha and she managed to knock it from his hand within a few minutes. 

Next they gave him a long stick, which Natasha said would stand in for a spear, and they dueled with that. Loki found himself surprisingly good at holding back her attacks with the weapon, as well as delivering them without risking his own safety. It didn’t feel as natural as the daggers, but it felt more natural than the sword, and Coulson took note. 

Next, they handed him a small black object made of metal called a gun. There was a small trigger, and he was meant to aim it at a target and shoot. He did so, and force of the bullet exiting the barrel pushed his hand back a bit, which surprised him. The bullet missed its mark and buried itself in the back wall of the room. 

Natasha stepped forward, a gun in hand, and taught Loki about the proper stance for shooting a gun. The weapon was loud and impersonal and Loki had a hard time aiming it right. The kickback of the gun and the explosive sound threw him off. After some time he managed to get close to the target, but he never hit it. 

“Unfortunately,” Natasha said, “guns are a requirement these days. Handguns are small, easily hidden, and practical. You can’t carry a spear with you everywhere—it’s too bulky—and daggers can get lost in a fight. You usually won’t have to let go of your gun.” 

This information displeased Loki. “Are all guns like this?” 

“There are some huge guns,” Natasha said. “But those come later.”

Coulson regarded him with amusement. “I’d test your archery skills but Barton would kill me.” 

“Who’s Barton?” Loki asked. 

“An agent,” Natasha said. “It doesn’t matter. He likes to shoot arrows instead of guns. It’s kind of his thing.”

“Oh.” 

Coulson smiled tightly. Again Loki got that feeling of not only being recognized as someone else, but of being disliked, though it was much less strong with Coulson than it was with Fury. “Well, we should find something sensible for you to wear when you’re in the field. I don’t think loose pants and a t-shirt will cut it.” 

Natasha smiled at him. “You did well,” she said, and swept out of the room. 

Coulson watched her go and said, “Hmmm.” 

“What?” Loki asked. 

“She’s warming up to you,” Coulson said. “It’s unexpected.” 

“Because of who I am?” 

Coulson didn’t answer. He turned around and walked out of the room, and Loki had no choice but to follow. 

The next few hours were an exercise in patience, a trait that Loki found he didn’t have much of, when SHIELD employees tried to fit Loki for appropriate clothes. There were other matters to take care of as well— a place to live, salary, and Coulson even gave Loki a cell phone, a device from which he could communicate with anyone, provided he had their information. The device was unfamiliar, but Coulson promised he would get the hang of it. He played around with it while his measurements were being taken and managed to figure out how most of it worked. 

Eventually he was led out of the base and to an apartment in New York City. It wasn’t his old one—apparently there had been issues that were unresolved, and he couldn’t move back. His new apartment was small, with a kitchen, a small common area, and a bedroom. There was a view of a building called Stark Tower, not too far in the distance. Loki had been given an array of suits that were cut in such a way that they would enable him to fight. He liked the way he looked in them, and was glad he didn’t have to wear a leather bodysuit like Natasha. 

After everything was settled, Loki sat down at the kitchen counter with his phone, unsure of what to do next. He had to eat. He should probably explore the area around his apartment. He palmed the phone, which was impossibly light for a device that had so much functionality. 

Natasha had mentioned, earlier, that it was funny how he’d just found out about the internet. He opened a browser on his phone now. Apparently phones weren’t ideal for internet browsing, but Coulson said he wouldn’t get a computer for a couple of days while SHIELD customized it for him. So the phone was all he had to look up anything he wanted. 

He should have gone outside, or cooked dinner. Instead, he opened the internet browser on his phone, found Google, and typed in “Loki Laufeyson.” 

An assortment of links about a figure in Norse Mythology came up. Loki read them with a growing sense of despair. 

This man, this myth, was not him. 

He set the phone down on the counter and tried not to think about how he didn’t exist.


	7. Chapter 7

“So you actually managed to recruit him to SHIELD?” Tony asked. He was screwing some sort of appendage-like piece of metal on one of his robots and Natasha didn’t ask. She didn’t want to know. “And he’s not, you know, going to kill everyone?” 

“First mission tomorrow,” Natasha said. “Moscow. Infiltration.” 

“Of what?” 

“Classified.” 

Tony rolled his eyes. “I think you get off on knowing things we don’t.” 

“That’s Clint,” Natasha said. 

“Oh yeah.” Tony dropped a wrench and hissed a curse under his breath. He picked it up and added, “And you don’t think he’s gonna kill you?” 

“He doesn’t remember who I am,” Natasha said. “He only knows what I’ve showed him.” 

“Okay, yeah, sure, but what about that evil instinct?” 

“I don’t think-“

“What if his magic gets out of control because he doesn’t know how to use it?” 

More valid concern. “I hope it won’t. We all have risks.” 

“Not that.” Tony stood up, wiping oil onto his shirt. “What if he suddenly has a flashback and remembers something?” 

“I’m assuming the spell prevents that from happening,” Natasha said. “Are you worried he’ll actually be good at his job?” 

“It’s a weird situation,” Tony said. “This is the guy who’s caused all our nightmares. For months.”

“I know.” 

“I’m just saying.” 

“This is a chance for him to not be that person,” Natasha said. 

“You should make him go to therapy,” Tony said. “He needs therapy. And what about Thor? Thor’s gonna come back and suddenly his brother’s a SHIELD agent who doesn’t even know he exists.” 

Natasha shrugged. “We’ll deal with that when it comes. Right now avoidance would be the best option.” 

“Right. Why’re you telling me?” 

“A warning,” Natasha said, “so you can’t say no one told you what we were doing.” 

“Right.” Tony turned back to his robot. “Thanks for the warning.”

“If it goes well,” Natasha continued, “you might be able to study his magic.” 

Tony turned around, slowly, eyes lighting up. “Really?” 

“If it goes well,” Natasha repeated. 

“Then I hope it goes well,” Tony said. “Go—go do that mission thing so I can get clearance to experiment—er, study him.” 

Natasha smirked and left the lab. 

**

Clint hadn’t slept in forty-two hours by the time Natasha reached him, and she was only there to say goodbye. She walked into his apartment and sat down at his counter while his dog nudged against her legs, and Clint sat across from her with a cup of coffee. 

“I’m leaving tomorrow,” she said. “Moscow. Infiltration of the base of a potential Hydra location. They’re popping up again.” 

“Sucks,” Clint said. He stared into his coffee, mouth drawn into a tight line. 

“I’m not sorry,” Natasha said, “but you can talk to me if you need to.” 

Clint looked up at her. “I can’t sleep.” 

“I know.” 

“I don’t think I’ll be able to until you’re back,” he said. “I don’t trust him. Even without his memories, it’s still him.” 

“It’s his second chance,” Natasha said, “same as the rest of us. I don’t necessarily trust him, either.” 

“But you’re going with him,” Clint said. “You’re partnering with him. Your life is in his hands.” 

“I know.” Natasha wanted something to grab onto, like a coffee mug, but she didn’t ask. “I’ll be careful.” 

“I’ll kill him,” Clint said, “if you-“ He choked on the words and clutched his mug tighter. 

“You should go to Stark Tower,” Natasha said, “stay there for a few nights. Let Tony distract you.” 

“You want me to drink away my sorrows?” Clint asked. 

“It helps.” Natasha gave him a small smile. “Stark has the good stuff. You can’t live on coffee forever.” 

“So I’ll live on alcohol instead?” 

“Do you have anything better to do with your time?” Natasha asked. “Besides worry?” 

“No,” Clint admitted. “That and target practice.” 

Natasha smirked. 

“Does Loki know about me?” Clint asked. 

“Of course not,” Natasha said. “He’s probably heard your name in passing but he only really knows who he’s met, and even then he doesn’t know much.” 

Clint nodded. “Have dinner with me?” The look he gave her was similar to the look puppies gave their owners when they wanted food. 

Natasha smiled. “Fine. My choice.” 

**

Natasha saw the base at the bottom of a snow-covered hill, surrounded by trees, through her binoculars. She felt Loki shift next to her—he was probably cold. Much of the snow on the ground had turned into ice, and a harsh wind cut through the air. 

“We find out what they’re up to,” Natasha said, “figure out what they’re planning, neutralize them, and bring the information to SHIELD.” 

“Right,” Loki said. 

“Use your gun first,” Natasha reminded him, as she had on the plane, and in the hotel, and on the way to the forest, and on the walk towards the base. 

Loki grimaced but nodded, taking his gun out of the holster. 

Natasha led them down the hill and snuck up on one of the guards standing by an entrance. She managed to twist his neck and then used his hand as a way to get into the door, which required handprint recognition. She dropped the guard and they went inside, guns up. 

Loki would rather have killed by throwing knives. He still hadn’t gotten used to the gun and the effects of bullets on people, which were gruesome and messy. A few more guards ran through the halls and Loki and Natasha shot at them. They collapsed, and the two continued onwards. 

Natasha had been given the schematics of the base back at SHIELD, and she led them towards the area where HYDRA’s data would be kept. As soon as they entered the room, Natasha barricaded the door behind them. “We’ll have the whole base on our asses soon,” she said, taking out a portable hard drive. “Let’s see here—“ She started working with the computer. Loki heard shouts from the corridor. 

“Shit,” Natasha said. “I need five minutes. Can you distract them.” 

Loki nodded and slipped outside. 

He was immediately met by two men. He shot one of them in the head and the other tried to grab him. Loki twisted his body so that the man’s back was to the wall, and squeezed his neck. The man’s grip faltered, and soon he was unconscious. Loki allowed the body to slide to the floor. 

A shot echoed through the corridor. 

Two groups of guards were coming from both directions. Loki cursed under his breath and started shooting, but he couldn’t fend off both sides. One of the men tried to grab him, and Loki managed to get him off with a kick to the chest. He grabbed the door and swung it open into a few of the guards and stepped inside, closing the door against the rest. 

“We’ve run out of time,” he said. 

Natasha sighed. “Right. Okay. So much for covert operations.”

“Maybe there is another way,” Loki said. He glanced at the door, which was locked, but the guards would get in soon. “Can you find a way to destroy the base from within this room?” 

“I’m sure there’s a way,” Natasha said, “but we’re also in here. And so is the information Fury needs.” 

Loki swallowed. If the guards caught them, the information would be lost, the mission failed. He didn’t want to fail Fury the first time out. The very thought sickened him. 

“We can only shoot so many,” Natasha said. 

The door burst in and the guards followed. Loki glanced at Natasha, whose mouth was set in a grim line, and then he turned to the guards in front of him. 

He attacked. 

He didn’t use his gun. Almost on instinct, he grabbed his knives and started stabbing in a whirl of fury and desperation. He didn’t think—if he stopped to think, he would stop moving, and the guards would take advantage of his weakness. He knew Natasha was also locked in hand-to-hand combat. He felt the blood of others on his skin, warm and slick, saw it arc across the sky when he slit a throat. He pushed through the resistance of flesh and bone when he stabbed into a chest or a stomach, and he kept going, almost on autopilot, because the alternative was defeat, and he could not have that. 

He stabbed a burly man in the chest and pushed him to the floor, then whirled around to meet his next opponent and saw only Natasha standing by the computers and bodies on the floor. She was staring at him, emotionless, though a flicker in her eyes betrayed that she was impressed. 

“There are more coming,” she said. “Think you can do that again?” 

Loki took a deep breath. He was shaking, and a deep fatigue settled over him. “I don’t know,” he admitted. “We have to-“

“Destroy the base?” a voice asked from the door. 

A woman stood over the bodies, a smirk on her face. Natasha raised her gun to her, but the woman shook her head. “Oh, that won’t do you any good. I’ve already activated the protocols for self-destruct. Can’t have SHIELD interfering in our plans.”

“You have another base?” Loki asked. 

The woman smirked. “I must be off. If you were smart you’d do the same.” 

A shot rang out and the woman’s head disappeared behind a cloud of blood. 

Loki turned to Natasha, who lowered her gun. “She’s a distraction,” she said, holstering her weapon and grabbing the hard drive. She typed a few lines of code on one of the computers and frowned. “We have three minutes.” 

Loki grabbed her arm and they ran out into the corridor. Trying to remember where they had come from was difficult even when not under pressure. “Two minutes,” Natasha murmured in his ear as they skidded around a corner and were greeted by a group of guards. 

“Shit,” Natasha said. “One minute thirty seconds.” 

The guards rushed towards them. Loki felt sick, backed against a wall. If they ran back they would be closer to the source of the explosion, and they could not run forward. That strange energy started to return, and on a wild hope, Loki examined it. He felt like he could leave, like he needed to leave, like this could help him. He grabbed Natasha’s arm. 

“What are you-“ Natasha asked, and then, everything disappeared. 

Loki felt his senses leave him for a disorienting moment, like he had been thrust into a vacuum, his head and heart pounding, breathless. A moment later he slammed into a cold, wet surface and groaned, dizzy with a strange sort of tiredness that made his very bones ache. He heard a soft groan next to him and the sound of snow crunching under the weight of a body moving. 

“What the hell was that?” he heard Natasha ask. 

He opened his eyes and saw trees bare of leaves stretching towards the sky. He turned his head to the side and saw Natasha sitting in the snow, staring at him. 

“We really needed to get out,” Loki breathed, “so we did.” 

“You willed us to get out,” Natasha said. 

“Yes.” Loki swallowed and struggled to sit up. “Like before, with the cold.” 

“I suppose it’s a good thing,” Natasha said, “your latent abilities coming out to play right when we need them. The problem is I don’t know where we are.” 

Loki closed his eyes and tried to search for that energy that would let him will things to happen. He could feel it humming in the background, not entirely spent. It wouldn’t tell him where they were. 

Natasha played with one of her many devices. “We’re only a few miles from the Hydra base,” she told him. “There’s a clearing about an hour’s walk to the east where we can call SHIELD.” 

“Right.” Loki dusted snow off his suit and struggled to his feet. He swayed a little and grabbed onto a tree for support. 

“You’re out of practice,” Natasha said. “That thing you did must cost a lot of energy.” 

“It does,” Loki said. “We should start walking. If I stay here longer I fear I won’t be able to move.” 

They began walking towards the clearing.


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Another chapter! We're pretty much halfway through.

Fury, of course, was briefed on Loki’s use of the strange energy, or magic. Loki had asked whether Fury knew how to control magic, but Fury had no answers for him and had been unusually defensive in insisting that no one on Earth had that knowledge. 

The internet held no answers, either, leaving Loki to experiment. 

He started small—turning water to ice and then melting it again, then vaporizing the water into a mist. He tried to make objects move on their own, to float, to disappear. He experimented with teleporting small things and then larger things, ending with himself. He tested his limits, limits that were not even concrete. It was like exercising a muscle—he was exhausted afterwards, but the more he practiced, the less exhausted using magic made him, and he could move on to bigger things. 

Agent Coulson suggested that Loki also get a therapist, a mind healer of sorts. “They can help you deal with finding a sense of identity,” Coulson said. 

When Loki walked in to his first therapy session, he didn’t know exactly what would happen. The room he walked into had no medical tools, just a desk with chairs on either side. Comfortable chairs, but still only chairs. A woman sat opposite him and extended her hand with a smile. “My name is Dr. Crawford.” 

“Loki,” Loki said, shaking her hand.

Crawford proceeded to ask him how he was feeling about a lot of things, from Natasha to Coulson to Fury to his missions to his discovery of magic and the fact that he wasn’t from this planet, wasn’t even human. Loki answered as best he could. 

The second session involved Crawford asking him about the black journal. “How did you feel when you opened it?” 

“I suspected it was a lie,” Loki told her, “made to mold me into whoever they wanted me to be.” 

“Who are they?” 

Loki hesitated. “I don’t know. Enemies.”

“Why do you feel you’ve had enemies?” 

Again Loki found himself pausing. “Instinct.” 

Crawford nodded and wrote something down in her notepad. She was forever writing during their meetings. “And yet you believe what you read in that book, that your name truly is Loki Laufeyson?” 

“I have no other identity,” Loki said, shifting uncomfortably in his seat. 

“What would you feel were you to find out that the information in that journal was true?” Crawford asked. 

Loki swallowed. He hadn’t thought about it. Hadn’t wanted to think about it, because the book was in SHIELD’s hands now and he hadn’t been given any word as to the results of their investigation, and he did not want to worry about it but it worried him. “Why would there be a journal containing information about my life?” he asked. 

“I don’t know.” Crawford said. “But if there was?” 

“I-I cannot say.” 

“Think on it.” 

Loki did. 

He thought about the journal and its purpose. If it were not made to mold him into something else, then perhaps it was made to remind him of who he really was. And if that was the case, perhaps he or someone else had known that he would be losing his memories, in which case, he had an enemy out there who was invested in keeping his real identity a secret. And why? Who had he been before? 

Did he want to know? 

He wasn’t sure. He did not trust SHIELD, but he enjoyed the missions they gave him. They were distractions, and they allowed him to use his body and his mind to solve problems, to be of use. It gave him purpose. He liked having a purpose. He liked feeling useful. 

But still, these questions nagged at him. 

Why hadn’t SHIELD updated him about the journal? Why didn’t they give it back? He tried asking Coulson, but the agent simply brushed him off, saying that the tests weren’t completed yet, acting as if the question was unimportant. 

This made Loki even more suspicious. At one point he confronted Natasha, often his partner, because he felt that of the SHIELD agents perhaps she would be less inclined to lie to him, having spent the most time with him. 

“What was in the journal?” he asked. “Why haven’t you completed testing on it?” 

“SHIELD is busy,” she said. “We have a lot of things to test and the journal isn’t top priority.” 

“My life could be in that journal,” Loki reminded her, a little harshly. “Is that not important?” 

“Your life isn’t in that journal,” Natasha said. “Your real life is here, now. Whatever is in that journal is information that was put there for a very deliberate reason, made to manipulate.” 

“You said that testing hadn’t been completed.” 

“I have a feeling,” Natasha said. 

“Why do some of the agents look at me strangely?” he asked her. 

“Because you are,” Natasha said. “You can do magic. You fight well without having been trained. You’re not human.” 

All true. 

But lies. 

Loki knew that wasn’t the reason. The way they looked at him, warily, with dislike and caution and some with outright disgust, had nothing to do with what he could do. 

It was who he was. 

And he didn’t know who he was to those people. 

**

The doorbell rang. 

Loki glanced up from his counter, where he’d been reading an article about the history of New York City on the internet. It was one of his few days off, and when he was in his apartment no one visited unless it was for SHIELD reasons. 

He walked over to the door and opened it. 

The man standing there was unfamiliar. He wore sunglasses (even though he was indoors) and a suit. His brown hair was slightly unruly and he was a few inches shorter than Loki. 

“Can I help you?” Loki asked. 

The man took off his sunglasses, and his brown eyes narrowed. “Interesting,” he said, scrutinizing Loki’s face. “They told me—but I didn’t actually—this is weird.” 

“What is weird?” Loki asked. 

“You,” the man said. “Anyway. I’m Tony Stark.” 

“Hello,” Loki said. 

Tony laughed. “You have no idea who I am, do you?” 

“I’ve never heard of you,” Loki said. “But you have heard of me?” 

“What gave it away?” Tony asked, and this time his laugh was nervous. “I’m a friend of Natasha’s. I heard you work with her.” 

A lie, but as Loki did so often, he ignored it. “I do.” 

“I heard you do magic,” Tony added. 

Loki folded his arms in front of his chest. “I do.” 

“Right. So I’m a scientist, a pretty famous one, actually. Can I come in?” 

“Yes.” Loki stepped back to allow Tony to pass; he walked over to the counter and sat down. 

“I want to study your magic.” 

Loki closed the door behind him. “What?”

“Your magic,” Tony repeated. “I want to know how it works. Stuff like that should be impossible. There has to be a way to explain it with good old science and math. I want to know how you do it.” 

“I don’t know,” Loki said. 

“Come on—“

“Instinct,” Loki interrupted. “I know what I want and everything falls into place and I couldn’t explain it to you except in those terms.” 

“Huh.” Tony reached into his pocket and for a moment Loki thought he might pull out a weapon. He tensed, but Stark only had a small piece of paper in his hands. “I think business cards are obsolete, but Pepper says I should still use them.” He held the paper out to Loki, who stepped forward and took it. “My address, cell number, and personal e-mail. You’re lucky; only my really close peers get those. Everyone else gets the generic one with the e-mail checked by interns.” 

The card was glossy with a red background and gold lettering. “You want me to contact you,” Loki said. 

“Yup,” said Tony. “There’s other ways for me to study your magic other than you telling me about it. I need you to do it, and I can record what happens and then break that down and see if it can be reproduced by, say, me. Or my tech. So, there you go.” 

“Is that wise?” Loki asked. “I don’t know the limits of my own magic.” 

Tony thought about it for a moment. “Let me know before you come,” he said. 

Loki nodded, and Tony brushed past him on the way out. He paused at the door, turned around, and asked, “Do you like horns?” 

“Horns?” Loki repeated. “Why would I-?” 

“Never mind,” Tony cut him off. “See you around.” He disappeared and Loki closed the door behind him. 

He sat down at the counter and turned the card over in his hands. Here was a man who could possibly tell him how magic worked—he didn’t know, and he was curious. He knew he was missing knowledge, knowledge that could help him perfect and direct his energy, and perhaps the answer to rebuilding this knowledge was with helping Stark. 

He had a mission in two days. But after that…he would have to consider it. 

**

The sky darkened and lightning arced between the clouds.Tony and Bruce stood by the huge window near the bar and looked out upon the city. 

“I bet you five dollars that the Empire State Building gets hit within five minutes,” Tony said. 

Bruce smirked. “Five dollars that the Chrysler building gets hit first.” 

“Deal,” Tony said. They watched, and waited. 

The hair on Tony’s neck began to stick up. 

“Um, Bruce,” he started, and then a huge burst of white light completely cut off his vision, followed by an almost simultaneous explosion that left Tony’s ears ringing. By the time the whole thing stopped he could smell burning metal and he’d staggered back a few feet. He turned to find Bruce on the floor, eyes closed and taking deep breaths. He turned back to the window and saw Thor standing outside, hammer in hand, a huge black scorch mark radiating from his feet. 

Tony rushed over to the window and opened one of the panels that served as a door, letting Thor in from the storm. “The fuck was that?” he asked as Thor set his hammer down and shook water out of his hair like an overgrown dog. “You almost made Bruce Hulk out!” 

Bruce held up a hand. “I’m fine,” he said. “Really.” He slowly made his way to his feet. “But you might wanna lay off the flashy entrances.” 

“I apologize,” Thor said. “I did not know you were here.” 

“It’s fine,” Tony said, even though he still sounded worried. “Is this your storm?” 

Thor’s expression darkened. “Aye. I have been to see my father.” He turned his gaze on Tony, eyes piercing. “Where is my brother?” 

Tony’s breath caught. “Sorry?”

“Where is Loki?” Thor repeated, and outside lightning hit the Empire State Building. Tony filed it away for later. 

“He isn’t here,” Bruce said. “He, um, left.” 

“Do not lie to me,” Thor growled, taking a step towards Bruce. “SHIELD would not simply let my brother get away, and he cannot use magic to the extent he normally would.” 

“What did Odin tell you?” Tony asked. 

“Loki has been cursed to lose his memory,” Thor said, and the sky above the city crackled with electricity. “By now I am sure that he is significantly impaired. I wish to find him-“

“And what?” Tony asked. “Tell him who he is? Is that really a good idea? Because who he was hated you, and now he doesn’t. He doesn’t even know you.” 

“I would rather he hate me and know me than not know me at all,” Thor said. 

“Why?”

“We have grown up together, lived together, for thousands of years,” Thor said. “I do not expect you to understand the extent of our relationship, but it runs deeper than what you have seen. Thousands of years, lost.” 

“I can’t imagine,” Bruce spoke up, “but perhaps it’s what Loki needed. Clean slate and all that.” 

“Loki needed to deal with his issues, not forget them,” Thor insisted. “This was not the right way.” 

“Maybe that’s how you deal with problems,” Bruce suggested, “but not necessarily how Loki deals with them.” 

“I want to fix this,” Thor said. “Where is he?” 

“Not here,” Tony said. Natasha had mentioned a mission in China. “He’s out of country.” 

Bruce glanced at Tony. “Perhaps you’re better off asking Fury.” 

“Perhaps I will,” Thor said. “I thank you for your help-“

“Wait, you’re leaving now?” Tony asked.

In answer, Thor held out his hand. His hammer flew to him, and he began to swing it around. 

“STOP!” Tony yelled. Thor and Bruce both looked at him. “At least step outside and try not to destroy my tower. Your brother already did that.” 

Thor inclined his head sheepishly and walked outside. 

**

Thousands of miles away, tied to a chair in a cell, Loki felt a strange pang in his chest. He was blindfolded, completely immobile, and doing absolutely nothing but waiting for the opportune moment to put Natasha’s plan of escape into action. There was no reason why he should have felt this pang of something, a pulling sensation. And yet—

“Has something happened?” he asked. 

“What?” Natasha asked. 

“I felt something,” Loki said. “Something has happened.” 

Natasha hummed. “Not yet it hasn’t.” 

Loki tilted his head towards where her voice was coming from. “You were stuck being my partner. Do you regret it?” 

“It’s the same as being with anyone else,” Natasha said. 

“You care less about me than you care about your previous partner,” Loki pointed out. “What was his name? Barton?” 

“Barton and I have history,” Natasha said. “This is different.” 

“You didn’t like who I was,” Loki murmured. 

Natasha was silent. 

“Is it true?” Loki asked. 

“I didn’t like who I was,” Natasha told him, voice soft. “I was given a second chance by Clint. I didn’t get to forget. It’s always with me. But you get a second chance, and you can forget.” 

Loki swallowed. He wanted to know. He didn’t want to know. He was sure Natasha knew and wasn’t telling. He was sure SHIELD was lying to him. 

Did it matter? 

“I hurt someone,” he said. 

“We all hurt a lot of people,” Natasha said. “We have to.” 

The sound of a door opening ended the conversation, and as their captors asked them questions that neither of them would answer, Loki thought about the strange pulling feeling and wondered if that, too, had to do with who he once was.


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Chapter of the week! I've been in England, actually, so that's fun. And I should probably be doing fun stuff on a Friday night but it's an opportunity to rest. So, here we are.

Tony glanced at his computer screen after a long session of tinkering with his robots. He’d meant to only take a brief look, but a strange notification caught his attention. 

“Jarvis, what is this?” 

“Jane Foster has been trying to contact you, sir,” Jarvis answered. 

Tony pulled up the message. It read, “Strange readings have been popping up all over the place, like mini-portals have been appearing and disappearing. Are you getting any of this?” 

Tony had a way of reading for anomalies in the atmosphere. He pulled up the program and began running scans, and sent a message back to Jane saying that he’d check on it. He admired Jane’s work, but understood almost none of it beyond the surface level and the technology Jane used to monitor worm holes. Still, he always liked to lend a hand whenever she needed it. People tended to dismiss her, and she didn’t have money, but Tony had money and he believed in what she was doing. 

And keeping Jane happy also kept Thor in a good mood, so that was another bonus. 

He looked back at his computer screen just in time to see another strange energy spike, this time over northern England. He frowned and said, “Jarvis, call Jane.” 

“Calling Jane Foster,” Jarvis responded. A few seconds later Jane’s face appeared on his computer screen. She looked tired but her eyes were alight with excitement. 

“You found something,” she said breathlessly. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “Energy spike over northern England. How long’s this been going on?” 

“A few days,” Jane said, “scattered. Today the readings started to spike. I wanted to make sure it wasn’t a malfunction of my equipment. It has a history of doing that sometimes and it’s been a while since I’ve been able to repair certain things.” 

“It’s not a malfunction,” Tony said. “Um, one of them should’ve been Thor.” 

“I took Thor’s arrival into account,” Jane said, “but these are different. Like, a different frequency than the bifrost and the Tesseract.” 

“Right.” Tony pulled up the readings. “Similar to the Tesseract but not really. You don’t think it’s Asgard?” 

Jane shook her head. “It isn’t that. It’s got a different signature. I can try to get to one if it forms nearby but I might need you to do that for me if one forms near you, if you have time.” 

“It’s been pretty quiet,” Tony admitted. “I can try—just tell me what you need and I’ll see if I can get it.” 

“Thanks,” Jane said, smiling. 

“You don’t think it’s someone on Earth, do you?” Tony asked. 

“The portals open very high up in the atmosphere,” Jane told him, “so it’s unlikely. Someone here would open one closer to the ground and I don’t know anyone with that kind of technology. I’ve been trying to develop it but, you know.” 

“Right.” Tony frowned. It could be Loki, but Loki was with SHIELD. He doubted it was Loki. “Hopefully I can get something.” 

Jane nodded. “I have to get back to work. But thanks. I’ll send you the tests I’d need you to run.” 

“Great.” Tony shut down the call and turned around in his chair. 

The last thing he wanted to do was fly into another worm hole and relive his nightmares. But he’d been working on it. And this was important. They needed to know what this was. 

He hoped a worm hole would pop up near Jane first. 

As it happened, he wasn’t that lucky. It took two days for a worm hole to appear near him—they’d been appearing around the world consistently since Jane’s call, to the point where he’d been able to predict them based on changes in the atmosphere before one appeared. It took two days for one to appear in upstate New York with enough warning for Tony to get into his suit and fly over. 

When he arrived, he arrived to a strange formation of clouds forming a tube, with lightning occasionally flashing within the clouds in an otherwise clear sky. Tony flew below the formation and looked up, and saw stars. 

Literally. The sky within the cloud formation was completely different. Tony remembered what Jane needed him to do and began running the tests, careful not the fly too close. He could see things moving in the worm hole, but he couldn’t be sure of what they were. The strange sight of a piece of space appearing in the middle of the daytime sky in upstate New York was enchanting, and he couldn’t look away. 

Then he saw something fly through the hole. 

A small figure, clad in metal and riding some sort of flying device. Tony flew towards it. The creature noticed him and Tony shouted “Jarvis, record this!” as it flew away, back towards the hole. Tony wasn’t willing to fly after it, and suddenly the area of space became smaller until it and the clouds disappeared completely. 

Tony hovered in the air for a moment, breathing heavily, before he flew back to Stark Tower to analyze what Jarvis had recorded. 

When the images of the creature uploaded he was able to zoom in and view it in larger detail. And when the creature came into focus, Tony felt sick. 

It was a Chitauri soldier. 

**

SHIELD was on high alert, mobilized to deal with a possible alien threat. 

No one told Loki. 

Instead, Natasha took him to South America, far away from the chaos of the SHIELD bases in the United States. She knew about the Chitauri, and she hoped SHIELD could fix the problem. Loki knew something was wrong, but he didn’t ask. Almost as if he knew it had to do with him and he didn’t want to know why. 

They’d been in Bogota when a fight broke out in the streets, men who were angry that Natasha had managed to break down the illegal weapons industry they’d had that was selling weapons to terrorist organizations. It went well until a few of the men managed to get both Loki and Natasha weaponless and had them surrounded. Natasha looked to Loki, hoping that he could pull some magic. Loki’s magic was erratic at best, however, and when he used it the results were unpredictable. 

Loki’s eyes darted between the men pointing guns at him, taking stock of everything, when one of the men abruptly pitched forward towards them. Both Loki and Natasha jumped back, but the man didn’t rise from where he’d fallen on the ground. An arrow stuck out of his back. 

All hell broke lose. 

Loki pulled Natasha to the ground as the men started shooting, and Natasha rolled over and managed to trip one of the men with her legs. He fell, and she broke his wrists and grabbed his gun and started shooting. Loki had also managed to get a weapon—a knife—and was busy slitting throats. The fighting was quick work, however, and soon they were standing in the middle of an empty street surrounded by bodies. 

Loki picked his way over the men and said, “We should probably leave.” 

Natasha didn’t move. She stared down the street. 

Clint Barton stood there, bow slung over his shoulder. Loki followed her gaze and breathed, “Oh.” 

“You’re right,” Natasha said, abruptly, and started walking towards Clint. Loki followed. She called out to him, “What are you doing here?” 

Clint fell into step with them as they walked away from the scene. “I was asked to come and make sure you two were doing alright.” 

“Fury didn’t tell us we’d be having backup,” Loki said. 

Clint ignored him. To Natasha he said, “You need to be more careful. Stop doing reckless things. You could’ve gotten killed.” 

“I had a plan,” Natasha said. “You’re staying where we’re staying?” 

“Yeah.” Clint smirked. “This is much more interesting than whatever’s happening back home.” 

Natasha recognized the sentiment behind it—Clint didn’t want to relive the Chitauri invasion. Being around the man who had controlled his mind was hardly better, but Natasha knew that Clint worried about her when she went off with Loki, and this gave him the chance to keep an eye on him and not be involved in a possible second invasion unless things went south and he was sorely needed. 

“Come on,” she said. “Let’s get something to eat before we get back. Starving.” 

**

A few hours later found Loki sitting on the edge of his bed, the remains of take-away food scattered on the covers and Clint perched on a chair by the window. The steady sound of running water was their only distraction; Natasha was taking a shower. 

Loki could have killed her for leaving him alone with this man who clearly disliked him more than most. From Clint’s expression, he was having the same thoughts. 

The silence was making Loki’s heart beat a bit too fast. He couldn’t sit there for a moment longer, so he said, “Clint Barton. I don’t believe we’ve had the pleasure of meeting. I’ve heard much about you.” 

“Can’t say I’m happy to hear that,” Clint muttered. 

“You don’t like me,” Loki said. 

“Nope,” Clint said. “If it were up to me, you’d be my personal pincushion.”

“What?” 

Clint glared at him, and the anger in his eyes made Loki shiver. “Do you know how hard it is not to impale you with every single one of my arrows right now?” 

“Why?” Loki asked. His voice shook slightly, but he didn’t care. 

“You’re doing pretty good for yourself,” Clint said. “Who am I to ruin that? We all got second chances, I get that. Doesn’t mean I hate you any less. But I don’t think you want to know.” 

“Why not?” 

Clint laughed an ugly laugh. “It bothers you not to know, doesn’t it? Whatever you’re imagining, I can tell you that it’s worse.”

“SHIELD’s been lying to me,” Loki said. “They know who I was. They always have.”

“Yup,” Clint said. “Ever wonder why?” 

“They can manipulate me this way,” Loki said. A bitter taste flooded his mouth and his throat felt like there were hands squeezing it shut. “They can make me who they want me to be.” 

“Or you can move on,” Clint said. “Don’t apologize, by the way. You don’t know what you did. I wouldn’t believe you if you said sorry for it. If you had your memories I’m pretty sure you wouldn’t be apologizing.” 

“How do you know that’s true?” Loki asked quietly. 

Clint looked away. “I don’t.” 

“Nor do I.” 

Clint sighed. “It’s hard to see you.” 

The water shut off in the other room. 

“We can be less awkward for the sake of the mission,” Clint added. “But it doesn’t mean anything.” 

“Right,” Loki said, nodding. 

When Natasha came out of the bathroom, they were back to silence. 

**

“HUGE spike over Colombia,” Jane said. 

Tony kneaded his forehead with his hands. “Bigger than the others?” 

“Massive,” Jane said. “The good thing is that it’s midnight there—speaking of which, shouldn’t you be asleep?” 

“Shouldn’t you?” 

“Darcy gave me coffee,” Jane said. 

Tony sighed. “I should probably get down there. Where-abouts?” 

“Bogota. It’s getting stronger.” 

“Right.” Tony stood up. “Talk later.” He hung up and made to leave, only to realize—Clint, Natasha, and Loki were on a mission in Colombia. “Jarvis, ask Nat if she’s down there?” 

“Yes, sir.” A few moments later Jarvis added, “Agent Romanov requests your assistance as soon as possible.” 

“Of course,” Tony muttered, walking out of the room. “Prepare the suit.”


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Heading into the end bit now. Only a few more to go!

The battle began in the middle of the night with a phone call. 

Natasha had been asleep when her phone rang, and on the other line was Fury. “Reports of killings near your area,” he said. “Check it out.” 

Natasha roused Clint and Loki out of their respective beds and they went outside to find something a bit stranger than a fight. A portal of sorts was glowing in the night sky. 

“The fuck?” Clint asked. 

Natasha made to answer but something slammed into her, knocking her to the ground. She struggled underneath the weight of something heavy and managed to turn around, to find a Chitauri soldier in her face, skeletal hands pinning her to the ground. She managed to push it off and broke its neck, taking its gun. When she stood up another was barreling towards her, and she shot it. She spun around but Clint and Loki were locked in separate battles. 

“Fuck,” she hissed, pulling out her phone, other hand training her gun on anyone who tried to get near her. She backed into the shadows. As soon as someone answered she said, “Chitauri attack in Bogota. I have no idea what they want or if this is a full scale invasion.” One of the soldiers noticed her and started running in her direction. She shot at it and blew a hole through it’s chest. “Send back up. If Stark asks, send him and the others.” She didn’t wait for a response and hung up, running back into the battle. 

The Chitauri hadn’t brought with them their huge living ships capable of carrying hundreds of the creatures, and for that Natasha could be grateful. There were perhaps about forty of them, and she wanted to kill all of them. She knew she would have to keep at least one alive, however, if she were to gain information. The rest could bleed. 

From somewhere in the distance she heard a man scream “No!” and whipped around to see Clint struggling with one of the soldiers, who was gripping his bow. Loki was nowhere in sight. 

Something hard slammed into her back, nearly sending her sprawling, and Natasha found herself fighting again. Every few seconds she would look up at the sky to see the portal skill there, though no new creatures came through. 

And then, suddenly, she looked up and the portal was gone. 

And so was Loki. 

She finished off a last Chitauri and turned to Clint, who had one kneeling at his feet with an arrow aimed at its forehead. “Don’t kill it!” she shouted, running over. 

The Chitauri soldier hissed at them and snarled, “I give you nothing.” 

“Where’s Loki?” Natasha asked. 

Clint’s jaw clenched. “They took him.” 

“What?” 

“They took him,” Clint repeated. He nudged the tip of the arrow into the Chitauri’s forehead, drawing strange, black blood. “Why do you need him?” 

The Chitauri soldier laughed, a horribly grating sound like nails on a blackboard. 

“Tell us,” Natasha snapped. 

“No,” the Chitauri hissed, and it grabbed Clint’s arrow, yanking it out of his grip, and impaled itself in the chest. Blood spilled forth from the wound, pouring onto the pavement and the soldier fell back, still. 

“Fuck,” Clint hissed, dropping his bow and running shaking hands through his hair. He started pacing. “What do we tell Fury? Loki’s army took him back, took him into space and what now? They tell him who he was or make him what they want and he ends up fucking attacking us again and—what do we do?” 

“Notify Fury,” Natasha said, taking her cellphone out, “and notify Thor. If anyone can find him, Thor can. He has the means. And we have to be prepared for what comes back.” 

“They want another attack,” Clint moaned. “They want to do it all over again and we can’t-“

“We can,” Natasha said. “We always have.” 

**

By the time Tony arrived in Bogota, the battle was long gone, Fury had already been contacted, and Clint and Natasha were sitting in a hotel bedroom looking as though they’d just been told the world was ending. 

Which it might have been. 

“We need a way to stop them from getting through,” Tony said. 

“What we need,” Natasha said, “is for you to get Thor to search for Loki.” 

“Oh no,” Tony said, holding up his still-armored hands. “Thor’s still pissed off with everyone because Fury said he couldn’t see Loki and no one’s helped him break that rule. He knows we know where he is.” 

“If he really wants to help Loki he’ll listen to you,” Natasha said. 

“You think Loki’s in danger?” 

“Of losing his second chance, yes,” Natasha said. “They’ll make him into the perfect soldier.” 

“What if Thor can’t find him?” Tony asked. 

“You have readings from the portals,” Natasha said. “Show them to Thor. Maybe get Foster to perfect the technology to re-open one. Do whatever you have to. Just do it.” 

Tony sighed. “I just got here.” 

The look Natasha gave him would have brought ruthless dictators to their knees. 

Tony left five minutes later. 

**

As it turned out, Fury had already gotten to Thor by the time Tony arrived back in New York. Thor was standing atop Stark Tower, hammer in hand, storm brewing in the sky. 

“Hold on,” Tony called out to him while landing. “Are you leaving now?” 

“I must waste no time in finding my brother,” Thor said. 

Tony landed next to him with a thud. “Listen, do you even know where you’re going? Because we sure as hell don’t know where to send you.” 

“I’ve seen Jane Foster’s readings,” Thor said, “and I believe I can find where the Chitauri are hiding.” 

“How long will it take?” 

“I don’t know,” Thor said. “The Chitauri live on the fringes of the universe, outside of the nine realms that my people have traveled.” 

“How about this—you wait for Jane to build a portal-“

“Jane has not the technology or the energy sources required,” Thor said. 

“She can make the tech,” Tony said. 

Thor shook his head, sadly. “It is a dream of hers, but if she could make a portal, it would not be for many years. It is a long process even for those who have everything that is needed.” 

Tony sighed. He hated being told something was impossible. “I can help her.” 

“I must go now,” Thor said. “I do not want to find Loki even further out of my reach.” 

“Well, if you insist.” Tony patted Thor on the shoulder. “Good luck. May you both come back in one piece. And sane.” 

Thor nodded. “Thank you. I hope to return soon.” 

Tony took a step back and Thor tilted his head skyward and shouted, “Open the bifrost!” A few seconds later the clouds shifted, a great storm in motion. The wind picked up and swirled around Thor and a blast of energy and light came down from the heavens. When Tony was no longer blinded, Thor was gone. And there were markings in a circle on the roof of his tower. 

He shook his head and went inside to peel off his suit and see what he could do from the ground. 

**

Everything felt cold. It was a cold that seeped into his very bones and stayed there and he could not stop shivering. His eyes were covered by some sort of cloth and he could feel clammy hands touching him, ripping his clothes, taking away his weapons. 

Loki was strapped to a hard surface on his back. The creatures who had invaded Bogota had captured him and he hoped that Natasha and Clint were safe. 

He tested his bindings but they held him fast at the wrists and ankles. He was nearly naked now and completely at the mercy of the creatures who had taken him. And why? Was it because he wasn’t human? 

He heard the sound of a door opening and closing. It sounded heavy. Then footsteps, and a cold hand gripped his arm. 

“Loki,” a voice hissed in his ear, and he shivered. “The Frost Giant runt. Worthless scum. You thought you could escape us by hiding among the human filth.” 

“N-no,” Loki said, and he hated that his voice shook. He had no idea what this creature was talking about. 

“Your masters are not pleased,” the creature continued, “and you know what the price is for our displeasure. You broke your promise. Now you will give us what we want, and perhaps we will be merciful.” 

Loki swallowed. His mouth was dry. “What do you want?” 

“The Tesseract,” the creature hissed. “Where is it?” 

The Tesseract. He knew the word was important and it sparked something in his mind, but he had no idea what it was. 

“I don’t know,” he said. 

A sharp pain bloomed from his wrist and he felt liquid running down his arm. He gritted his teeth, determined not to scream. 

“The whelp has learned disobedience,” the creature hissed. “Or perhaps it has become even weaker. Do you care for the humans? Do you care for the creatures your so-called family prized over yourself?” 

“Yes,” Loki said, because he did not know anything else. 

“I see. Liar!” Something clattered on metal, and then Loki felt a pinch in his arm and a strange coldness running down the vein of his arm, spreading throughout his body. 

“What is that?” he asked. 

“Sometimes the natural pain of the body is not enough,” the creature hissed, and its voice sounded strange, distorted in a way that made Loki feel like his skin was crawling. “Let us begin.” 

White hot pain burst through the skin of his stomach, and he could do nothing but scream. 

**

“There have been no unusual energy spikes within the past forty-eight hours,” Jane said. She had relocated to Stark Tower to help Tony monitor the Chitauri situation. Clint and Natasha had also returned, and now the Avengers were on high alert. 

But nothing had happened. 

“Maybe the intent wasn’t to attack,” Bruce said. 

“You mean they just want to dick around with Loki for a bit?” Tony asked. “Take him out for a drink?” He sighed. “I didn’t even get to study his magic yet.” 

“Tony,” Bruce warned. 

“The other shit’s bad too,” Tony added. 

Jane clicked through a few more graphs and bit her lip. “I think Loki’s what they wanted. They were searching for him all over the place—that’s why these portals stopped appearing after they took him. They found him, got what they wanted, and got out. Bruce might be right. Maybe they have nothing against the Earth.”

“Or they’re gonna make Loki attack us again,” Tony said. “Honestly, that’s the most likely option.” 

“But why were they attacking Earth in the first place?” Bruce asked. “And wasn’t Loki in charge of them? Not the other way around.” 

“Right.” Tony had forgotten that part. But if the Chitauri were molding Loki into someone who could attack the Earth a second time, then perhaps there had been someone above Loki. Thor had implied it a few times but no one had listened to him. “So there’s someone bigger.” 

“Possibly,” Jane said. “Thor said he thought Loki was being told to attack by someone. Loki’s vendetta was personal. So why would the Chitauri help him if it was just about revenge?” 

“Must’ve been something in it for them, too,” Tony said. “Something they didn’t get.” 

“Like the Tesseract,” Jane said. 

Bruce and Tony looked at her. 

“The Tesseract isn’t here,” Tony pointed out. “So if that’s what they want, we might be safe.” 

“But Asgard isn’t,” Jane said. “Not if Loki tells them.” 

“Loki doesn’t know.” 

“What if they find a way to restore his memories?” 

Tony sighed. “Then we’re all fucked.” 

**

Clint had placed himself on the roof of Stark Tower, high above the city. He was sitting in the middle of the circle of Asgardian symbols that Thor’s recent trip had left behind. Natasha sat next to him, allowing him to take his time. He hadn’t been able to be still since the most recent attack, and this was the first time he’d truly been able to sit and think. 

“I don’t understand,” he said after some time. “I shouldn’t care. I shouldn’t care that I wasn’t able to prevent what happened or that we might not see him again or if we do he’ll be different or that he’ll lose his second chance. I should want him dead, either by them or by us.”

“Yes,” Natasha said. 

“But I don’t,” Clint continued, face twisting in disgust. “I feel bad about it. Part of me actually wants Loki to have that second chance. It wasn’t bad working with him. It brought back some memories but it wasn’t the shit-show I thought it would be.” 

“Loki makes a good agent,” Natasha told him. “I’m sure he was an asset to Asgard before he defected.” 

“Yeah, and that’s who he was to Thor,” Clint said, “so I can understand why Thor still loves him or whatever. But he’s only ever been the enemy to me.” 

“I was your enemy once.” 

“You never personally hurt me,” Clint pointed out. “You never turned my life on its head. You were never the cause of my nightmares.” 

Natasha inclined her head. “I’ve been the cause of many nightmares. Even if they weren’t yours.” A monster. Loki had thrown that word around a lot, before. 

“I think it’s your fault,” Clint said, lips stretching into a tight smile. “You kind of took him in and now I’m confused because I trust you.” 

“I was doing what was best for SHIELD,” Natasha said. 

Clint glanced at her. “I need a drink. Or ten.” 

Natasha stood up and Clint stood with her. She said, “You don’t have to know what it means, now. You just have to acknowledge that you’re feeling it.” 

Clint nodded. “And now we can drink?” 

Natasha smirked. “And now we can drink.” 

He followed her back into the Tower.


	11. Chapter 11

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Here have some Loki angst!

Loki’s mind was adrift. 

There was pain, and then there was beyond pain. He was cut apart and pieced back together only to be torn apart again and again and it never ended, and when they stopped with his body they started with his mind, making him hallucinate horrors, some which he suspected were from a memory long gone, and some he suspected were new. 

Bits of information drifted to him and he took hold of it like a lifeline, if only to have an explanation for the nightmare that he found himself trapped in. The Chitauri knew his name and he’d worked with them before, had promised them the Tesseract in exchange for taking over the Earth. He’d done it to get revenge on his brother, Thor. His family had thought him worthless. He was a Frost Giant. He’d been adopted. He was considered a monster. He considered himself a monster. He’d failed at every attempt to make himself greater. The Tesseract was an unlimited source of great power. He had magic. He’d almost destroyed a city. He’d killed mortals. He’d taken minds. He’d wanted to hurt and destroy and the Chitauri had given him that opportunity, and he’d failed them when asked to give them something in return. 

They would let him live in pain and suffering forever. 

Thanos was not pleased. 

These names were important. Thanos. The Other. Thor. Names he had not heard before, but he knew them. Thanos wanted the Tesseract. The Other was his torturer. Thor—

Thor had abandoned him to this fate. 

That was what he was told. 

The Chitauri and the Other did not realize that Loki was no longer in possession of his memories. They drugged him, they cut into his body and played with his innards, they broke his bones, they whispered words of hatred in Loki’s ear until he felt disgusted with himself, would have gladly rid himself from the universe if they would let him. And they did not know that they would never gain anything from him. Not because Loki didn’t want to give it to them—he had already passed the point of begging for his life—but because he had nothing to give. It made him feel even more useless, that he’d let his memory be taken away from him, had let someone into his mind and had taken it lying down. 

Why hadn’t he stopped it from happening? Was it because of this? Did he want to forget that he’d hurt and killed and had been called a monster and wanted revenge? Had he truly wanted a second chance? Or had others simply wanted to be rid of him, not caring what happened to him in the process? 

More and more he began to believe that it was the latter reason. The Chitauri well and truly convinced him that no one would want to be on his side. 

Eventually it didn’t matter. 

He couldn’t think or concentrate. He couldn’t pull himself together long enough to forget about the pain or the terrible thoughts inside his head, to think about something else. 

No one had come. 

SHIELD didn’t want him. His family hadn’t wanted him. He didn’t want himself. 

He wanted to die, but even that was denied him. 

**

Weeks passed with no news from Thor and no sign of the Chitauri. The Avengers were getting restless. 

Tony began running scans on everything, and at one point Steve dragged him away from the lab saying “You won’t find him by searching for something that isn’t there. Thor’s working hard. It’s fine.” 

“They could attack any minute,” Tony said once he’d been settled next to Steve at the kitchen counter, and he knew it was unhealthy to be thinking like that because he’d lost so much sleep over it in the past, had almost lost Pepper, and his hands were itching to make more suits he didn’t need. “We don’t know what’s going on out there. What if they defeated Thor? What if they convinced Loki to join their army? Steve, it’s hell and they’re bringing it to Earth and I don’t want to sit here and wait when I could be-“

“You have the resources,” Steve told him. “We’re all better prepared than we were. We have the weapons and we have the technology and we are alert and prepared. But if you lose sleep over this you won’t be when it comes time to fight, IF it comes time to fight. So please, Tony. I know it’s hard. But think. This doesn’t solve anything. Trust Thor.” 

“Right, right.” Tony scrubbed his hands over his face. “Fuck, Steve. I really don’t want to deal with that again. I just—literally, a few months ago-“

“I know,” Steve said. “It’s hard.”

“But you’re a soldier,” Tony said with a strange laugh. “You get up and do it anyway, over and over again even when the sight of a gun makes you sick.” He leaned forward, closer to Steve’s face and whispered, “I’m not a soldier, Steve.” 

“You don’t have to be,” Steve said. “Let me make you coffee.” 

“Something stronger?” Tony asked. 

Steve gave him a stern look. “Coffee.” 

Tony held up his hands. “Fine. Whatever. You do realize coffee is bad for sleep, right?” 

Steve had already gotten up and was operating the coffee maker. “It’s the middle of the afternoon,” he pointed out. “You don’t need to be asleep for a while.” 

Tony tried not to move around too much. He wanted to run, or fly. He forced himself to sit at the counter and watch Steve make coffee. 

“Got room for another cup?” someone asked behind him. Tony turned to see Natasha slide onto the stool next to him and lean her arms on the counter. 

“Yes I do,” Steve said. 

“You look rough,” Tony said. 

Natasha gave him a weak glare. “The anticipation is killing us,” she said. “I swear, Clint’s turned at least three of the walls in his apartment into pincushions.” 

Tony winced. “Ouch.” 

“I know.” 

“This sucks,” Tony said. Steve placed two coffee mugs on the counter. Tony allowed the warmth from his mug seep into his hands. It was comforting. 

Steve sat across from them with his own cup of coffee. He looked grim. 

“So we watch and we wait,” Tony said. “Fuck.” 

**

Monster. 

Loki gasped awake as someone grabbed his arm. He jerked violently in his restraints, trying to get away. It was too much, too much. He didn’t want pain. 

“Please,” he choked, knowing that his begging would fall on closed ears. The Chitauri only listened to him when they forced him to admit that he was a monstrosity, a weakling, worthless and a failure, and that he deserved everything he got. He’d repeated the words so many times that they were burned into his consciousness. 

The pain never came. 

Someone was murmuring words and the voice was deeper, warmer, completely unlike the hissing of the Chitauri. At first he couldn’t understand, his mind racing at the possibility of someone else being in this place with him. 

The voice said, “Loki,” and it sounded like it was crying. “Loki,” it repeated, and he’d never heard his name said with so much emotion. “It’s okay. I am here to free you.” 

“Liar,” Loki whispered. He started shaking. The Chitauri had weaved many illusions, among them the idea that he could be rescued, only to have it snatched away from him at the last moment. Other times Loki dreamed he had escaped and was back among SHIELD, or elsewhere. He always woke up. 

“I am not lying,” the voice said. “No more lies, brother.” 

“Brother,” Loki murmured. The word sounded strange on his tongue. “I have no brother.” 

“You don’t remember me,” the voice said, “but we are and have always been brothers.” 

“My family didn’t want me,” Loki told the voice. 

“That’s not true.” 

Loki swallowed. “How can I believe that?” 

He felt the restraints on his arms fall away but he still couldn’t move. His bones hurt—some of them were broken. The same happened to his legs and he started shaking harder when another’s warm skin brushed against his forehead. 

“I’m going to take off the blindfold,” the voice said. “Close your eyes.” 

Loki closed his eyes and felt the cloth slide away. Tears ran down his cheeks and he could do nothing to control them. Strong hands helped him into a sitting and then a standing position, and he shook so violently that he nearly fell to the ground again. Would have, were it not for the hands holding him. 

“Loki, I need you to calm down,” the voice said. “Open your eyes. Slowly-“

Loki blinked away tears and opened his eyes. He could see a blur of silver and darkness and dim light somewhere, and it hurt, but he kept blinking until the silver came into focus and formed a man with bright blue eyes the color of the sky and blond hair. He wore armor and a red cape—stained with blood? Loki couldn’t tell. He tried to move away but the man held him fast. In his eyes there was sadness. 

“Loki,” he said, “I am Thor. Of Asgard. Your brother, not in the flesh, but we were raised together all the same.” 

Loki shook his head, and shook. “No-no.” 

“I will take your somewhere safe.” 

“No-“ Loki fought a wave of dizziness. “Liar. You all lied to me. You have all—they told me the truth.” 

“You can’t want to stay here.” 

“I don’t!” Loki cried. “I don’t but they told me everything, and you-“

“They told you lies, too, Loki. We may have withheld information but it was for your own good.” 

“Don’t lie to me,” Loki hissed, clutching Thor’s arm to keep from falling. He didn’t want to fall. He hated the sensation. He was afraid he might not stop. “Don’t you dare-“

“I won’t,” Thor promised. “Not this time.” 

“Not-“ Another wave of dizziness, and this time Loki was lost to the darkness.


	12. Chapter 12

“Shit.” 

Tony swallowed back bile as Bruce worked on the broken body in front of him. He was lucky he had medical equipment and a room that could double as a hospital room of sorts in the Tower. Bruce would be able to help fix Loki’s injuries. But still. 

The Avengers had expected the worst when Thor returned. Perhaps the Chitauri would be right behind, waiting to attack the Earth. Perhaps Loki agreed to work with them. Maybe they’d gained the Tesseract. 

Instead, Thor had brought back a Loki who had been tortured, who needed healing, and the Chitauri were nowhere to be found. 

“What about them?” Clint asked as they rushed Loki to the medical room. “Should we expect anything.” 

“I destroyed all I found,” Thor growled. “They will have to regain an army before they try again.” 

The horrible anger in Thor’s voice made Tony shiver, and he vowed never to get on Thor’s bad side. Ever. 

Bruce looked overwhelmed. Tony had Jarvis running medical tests. Off to the side, Clint reported to SHIELD and Natasha watched the scene unfold, lips pressed in a tight line. Tony felt a bit ill and he walked over to Natasha, nudged her, and murmured, “Drink?” 

“Bruce-“ she started. 

“Bruce has it under control,” Tony said. “Everything he needs is in here and Jarvis can order anything else. Thor isn’t leaving for a while. You look like you need a drink.” 

“You just want a drink,” Natasha said, “and you don’t want to feel bad about it.” 

“So?” 

Natasha followed him out of the room and they headed up to the bar, where Tony poured them both a generous helping of Scotch. Natasha took a sip and grimaced. 

“You don’t like Scotch?” Tony asked after downing his. He reached for the bottle again. 

“Vodka’s better.” 

“Urgh.” Tony made a face and deliberately took a large swig from the bottle of Scotch. 

“Don’t knock it,” Natasha said, her eyes scanning the bar. She found what she was looking for and pointed it out to Tony, who took the bottle down and handed it to her. Natasha downed her Scotch and poured herself a second drink. 

Tony swirled the liquid in his cup and said, “How’re you feeling?” 

“Relieved,” Natasha answered promptly. “We don’t have an attack on our hands.” 

“Not worried? Scared?” 

“Why would I be?” 

“Loki was your partner.” Tony glanced at Natasha over the rim of his glass as he took another pull of Scotch. Natasha looked back at him, impassively. “I’ve been wondering about that. Fury put Loki under your wing and yeah, I know, it’s a job and it’s for the good of everyone but what’s he like when he’s not a killer who hates Thor? Is he good at being a spy?” A pause. “Do you care about him?” 

“Loki is good at what he does,” Natasha said. “I don’t know if that’s who he is. He doesn’t, either.”

“He acts the same, minus the bag of cats in his head,” Tony said. “No more murdering-it’s kind of refreshing.” 

“He still kills for SHIELD,” Natasha told him. “He’s good at it. Sometimes his magic gets out of control.” 

Tony smirked. “I asked if I could study that. He never responded.” 

“He doesn’t trust you,” Natasha said. “He doesn’t trust anyone. Not really.” 

“Like you don’t?” 

Natasha glared at him. “I don’t mistrust everyone.” 

“Could’ve fooled me.” Tony poured himself a third drink. Natasha was still on her second, though he thought it was because she wanted to see him shitfaced rather than the other way around. He could feel the warmth spreading through his body, making him looser. “It’s bad.” 

“What is?” 

“The—what they did to him.” Tony allowed more alcohol to burn his throat. “They fucked him up.”

“Loki wrote that he planned to betray the Chitauri,” Natasha said. “He was using them as a vehicle for revenge.” 

Tony raised an eyebrow and leaned forward. “The mythical Loki journal,” he murmured. “I knew you’d read it. Anything on magic.” 

“Classified,” Natasha said. “Only if Fury lets Loki see it and only if Loki tells you.” 

“Damn. What if that’s a lie?” 

“The Chitauri thing? It could be. Loki’s just as capable of manipulating himself as we are of manipulating him. He had to have realized it.” 

“Motherfucker,” Tony said. “What else did he write?” 

“About his heritage,” Natasha said. “About Thor. And his family. Not as much as you’d think he would’ve written. Like he wanted to forget what happened with them. He glossed over the attack in New York. Said it was necessary.” 

“Huh.” Tony poured a fourth drink. “Anything about us.” 

“Says you’re an ass,” Natasha said, “but that’s nothing new.” 

Tony rolled his eyes. “Liar.” 

“Am I?” Natasha finished off her drink and stood up. “I’m gonna check on the others. Don’t do anything stupid.” 

“I won’t,” Tony said. Natasha walked away and he rested his head on the bar, staring into the half-filled glass of amber liquid next to him. He still wanted to talk to someone. He didn’t want to sleep. 

He wanted to talk to Loki. 

That was one of those bad ideas Natasha had been talking about. 

Tony downed the rest of the drink and made his way towards the medical room. 

Thor hadn’t left and was sleeping in a chair next to Loki’s bed. Bruce was also there, looking at something on one of the computers. Tony cleared his throat at the doorway and Bruce looked up and waved half-heartedly. “Come to join the fun?” he asked. 

“Maybe.” Tony stepped into the room, trying not to show how unsteady he felt. “How, um, how is the patient?” 

“You’re drunk,” Bruce said. Tony shrugged. “The patient is stable. I gave Thor some sleeping pills. He was exhausted after the whole thing but didn’t want to sleep. I figure he’d be better off helping Loki if he’s not an exhausted mess.” 

“Right.” Tony sank into a chair on the other side of Loki’s bed. The last time he’d been this close to Loki, he’d been thrown out a window. This time Loki was too pale, too gaunt, and very unconscious. 

“They mutilated him,” Bruce said, softly. “He can wake up any moment. I don’t want to leave him alone because he can’t be mentally sound right now.”

“He doesn’t know any of us,” Tony pointed out. “Except Nat. And she’s not here. He met me and Thor briefly.”

“Not ideal,” Bruce admitted, “but not our fault.” 

“SHIELD has his journal,” Tony said. “We should give it to him. It has magic stuff in it.” 

“You are really drunk.” 

“It’s true,” Tony insisted. “Natasha told me. They haven’t decided whether or not to give it to him because he wrote it beforehand. It skips a lot of stuff, like he just wanted to forget certain things, but not necessarily what you’d think. It says he’s adopted even though I’m SURE Loki didn’t want to know that, but maybe he put it there because he didn’t want to be lied to like he was his whole life.” 

“You just want the magic,” Bruce said. 

“Maybe,” Tony admitted, “but still. If we have any hope of getting Loki stable he has to trust us, Bruce. Otherwise he’s going to be even worse than he was before he got his memory wiped.” 

“He hasn’t woken up,” Bruce said. “We don’t know-“

“Would you be okay after someone did all that to you?” Tony asked. “Would anyone? I wouldn’t. I wasn’t okay after Afghanistan. I wasn’t okay after the Chitauri invasion, and arguably I’m at least a little more stable than Loki was. So.”

“He has a therapist,” Bruce said. “Dr. Crawford. She’s on standby.” 

“Fuck that,” Tony said.

“You’re not exactly in the right mindset to give advice, Tony,” Bruce pointed out. 

“Right.” Tony turned back to Loki, who was still unconscious. He watched the rise and fall of his chest under the blankets, steady, steady. On the other side of the bed monitors read out his heart rate and blood pressure. Steady. 

Loki’s mind was not. 

“If he freaks out I can’t do anything,” Tony said. 

“Neither can I,” Bruce admitted. “Hopefully he wakes up after Thor does.” 

**

As it happened, Loki woke up when Bruce, Tony, and Thor were all asleep. He woke up screaming and ripped out his IV and by the time Tony was aware of what was going on Loki had staggered to the door. 

“Stop!” Tony yelled. Bruce had already scrambled to his feet from where he’d fallen asleep in the chair next to Thor. Thor was still sleeping, knocked out cold by the pills. 

Loki jerked his head up to focus on Tony, eyes wild, hand clutching the doorknob. 

“I’m not gonna hurt you,” Tony said, holding his hands up to show that they were free of weapons. “We’re good. We’re fine. Remember how I asked you about studying magic? Natasha’s in the building too.” 

Loki was breathing harshly, unsteadily. “She lied to me.” 

“No, no she didn’t do that,” Tony said. 

“She lied to me,” Loki continued, voice rising into a scream. “She lied to me, and you lied to me. SHIELD lied to me and you took my memory and you all lied and tried to make me who you wanted and I am not myself anymore!” 

“No-“ Tony swallowed. “Loki-please.” To the side, Bruce was shaking Thor, trying to wake him. 

“Then who?” Loki snarled. “Who took it? Who am I, Stark?” He stepped forward, away from the door. “They called me monster and villain and worthless and failure. They were so hateful. Is that who I was? Is that who you tried to stop me from being?” 

“No-“

“You had no right! No right to reach inside my head and play around-“ 

“Loki-“ That was Thor, standing up with Bruce supporting him. Loki turned to him and nearly fell over. 

“You,” he growled. “You say that you’re my brother. What did you do to me? Why didn’t you want me?” 

“I did,” Thor said, moving towards him. “I do. I always have and never stopped. Loki, we have always wanted you. You thought you were not good enough, but you always were.” 

“They told me I wasn’t good enough,” Loki insisted. “The Chitauri. I hurt and I destroyed. I destroy everything. I fail. Worthless. Monster.” 

“Not that,” Thor said, shaking his head. “Never that. You are different from us, yes. Adopted. We made mistakes and you thought you were the enemy, but you never were.” 

“I’m not this,” Loki hissed. “SHIELD made me this, an agent to cater to their every whim, without magic, without a past. The perfect pawn. Because I hurt them, and I hurt you, and you took away my memories so that I wouldn’t be that person. Do not tell me I was never the enemy and that you wanted me as I was because you took that away.” 

“I had no choice in the matter,” Thor said, and Tony could see that his eyes were too bright, too wet, and he took a step back, away so that the two brothers could focus on each other. “Our father thought it was a proper punishment, and you can be angry. But he thought it best. Loki, I would have tried another way, even if it did not work, to help you. To ease your anger and your pain and to make you believe that we love you.” 

“I didn’t-“ Loki swallowed. “How?” 

“Magic,” Thor said. “A spell. To gradually take your memories away.” 

“Um,” Tony said, and they both looked at him. “I hate to interrupt, but Loki, you accelerated the spell. You decided to get rid of your memories sooner rather than later.” He knew that he should probably have left the conversation alone, but Thor hadn’t known that and Loki didn’t remember, and it felt important. Loki clenched his jaw and Thor looked devastated. 

“Why?” he asked. 

“I don’t know,” Loki snapped. “How do I know this isn’t another lie to pass the blame onto me? Why would I do such a thing? What would I want to forget?” 

“Maybe you wanted a second chance,” Bruce spoke up. 

Loki stared at him. 

“It is true,” Thor said. “I hate to think that you would want to forget but-“

“Stop,” Loki interrupted. “Please, stop. I don’t know. I don’t know. Can’t you see that? I don’t remember. Stop telling me things I don’t know because I can’t know.” 

“Trust me,” Thor said. “Trust us. We want to help you.”

“It’s in their best interest to lie to me!” Loki cried. 

“We’re people,” Bruce said. “We also want to do what’s right.” 

“SHIELD-“

“We’re not SHIELD,” Tony said. “I’m certainly not. Natasha is but I think she’s warmed up to you.” He sighed. Natasha might kill him for this later. “The journal SHIELD has-“

“They are testing it,” Loki breathed. “They said they wouldn’t give it to me until they made sure they knew who wrote it.” 

“Um. Right. You wrote it,” Tony said. “They know it and it’s probably the best account of who you were that you’re going to get. It omits a few things—I think you wanted to forget some things. But also remember yourself.”

“You-“

“Not lying,” Tony said. “This shit’s gone far enough. I don’t care if SHIELD arrests me or something.” 

Loki turned to Thor. “I don’t-“

“I know,” Thor said. He put his hands on Loki’s shoulders. Loki was shaking. “I will help you. If you must only believe one thing, believe I love you and I want to help you.” 

Loki’s face crumbled and Thor pulled him close, holding him tight as Loki’s body shuddered with harsh sobs. “I don’t know who I am,” he whispered, voice muffled by tears and Thor’s shirt. 

Thor only hugged him tighter.


	13. Chapter 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter! I hope you've enjoyed this story--it's the longest one I've written for this fandom. Thank you for reading, commenting, kudo-ing, bookmarking, taking a look, ect.

It was a small thing, the journal, with a black cover and white pages. Completely normal, completely inconspicuous. When Natasha put the small book in Loki’s hands, it felt like the most extraordinary thing, full of energy and possibility. And magic, just a tiny bit. Just his and he could tell. It felt right. 

Thor’s hand was on his back and he hadn’t known whether he wanted Thor to be around when he opened up the thing that was supposed to be his life but the moment came before he could decide and Thor was there, right there with his hand on his back and a lifetime relationship on the line and Loki wasn’t sure if he could handle it alone anyway, even if he still wasn’t sure who he could trust or if he could trust anyone because he couldn’t even trust himself. 

He opened the journal to the familiar first page and read the now-familiar handwriting (he’d done plenty of writing since he’d been with SHIELD and now he could recognize himself within the letters) and the words that told him his name. And he kept going. 

Kept going for hours, maybe, until he found the last page with the last words, his last words. 

“This was your decision. Odin may have cast the spell, but you set it in motion. Do NOT let them take this from you.” 

With these words he had become another person. 

**

Natasha would have been as far away from Stark Tower as she could have been if given the choice. She knew that Loki thought she’d lied to him, and they both knew that she’d kept his journal from him. But no, she had to hand him the journal and forced herself to look at his face. His expression was blank when he took it, eyes still red-rimmed from tears earlier shed, and then she turned around and walked away. 

She couldn’t say sorry. She’d done the right thing. 

She would have been angry in his position, too. 

But she wasn’t in his position (thankfully) and so she ended up in the guest room Clint kept when he wasn’t busy going on his own solo adventures in the real world. Clint wasn’t there, his bed unmade and empty. Natasha sat down amongst the blankets and stared out the window at the cloudy sky and the buildings that looked like they could touch the clouds. 

She stayed like that for quite a long time. At one point Jarvis asked, “Would you like me to contact Mr. Barton?” 

“No,” Natasha said. “Thanks. I’m fine here.” 

Hours later Clint came back and saw her and sat next to her. “What’s wrong?” he asked. 

“I gave Loki the journal,” she said. “I lied about it. He can’t trust me.” 

Clint sighed. “You did the right thing.” 

“I know.” Natasha frowned at her hands, resting in her lap. 

Clint noticed. “Okay. Want to watch a movie?” 

Natasha nodded. 

Clint gave her a final searching look before getting up. “I’ll make some popcorn.” 

**

Tony hadn’t slept. He had been in his workshop resisting, for the past few days, making new suits. When Loki came back he went in there to tinker with his current suit in the hopes that it would satisfy certain urges. 

It didn’t. 

He was toying with the helmet when someone cleared their throat behind him. He looked up and saw Loki, already healing well after a few days back. He still looked pale and ill, but he was on his own two feet and that was good enough. 

“Can I sit?” he asked. 

Tony nodded and Loki sat in one of the chairs. Tony turned towards him and asked, “What’s up?” 

“I read my journal,” Loki said. “It did not tell me everything, but I need to find out who I was before I move forward.” 

“You sure about that?” 

“Yes.” Loki’s hands were restless, fingers twisting among each other and the fabric of Loki’s shirt. “What did I do to you?” 

“Nothing major,” Tony said. “If you want to talk to someone you really fucked up I suggest you talk to Clint, but he might not want to talk about it.” 

“I know,” Loki said. “I was asking about you.” 

“Don’t miss a beat, do you?” Tony sighed. “You threw me out a window. You killed Coulson. Well, almost. He’s alive, obviously. Stabbed him through the chest and that made me even angrier than the window thing.” 

“I wrote that I felt it necessary,” Loki said. 

“You’re not sorry?” 

Loki gave him a strange smile, full of bitterness. “How can I be? I do not recall the experience even though I know it happened. I can only prevent it from happening again.” 

“If you want.” Tony held up his helmet. “But if you pull that shit again I’m armed and more than ready to kick your ass.” 

“I don’t,” Loki said. 

“I had nightmares about it,” Tony told him. “About the invasion. It wasn’t just that moment in time, you know. It affected all of us afterwards.” 

“I broke Thor’s heart,” Loki said. “Apparently.” He looked down at his hands, then off to the side, as if he couldn’t focus on any one thing. “I did many things. It doesn’t feel like I did.” 

“You did,” Tony said. 

“I know,” Loki snapped, glaring at Tony. Only briefly, and then the anger fizzled and died. “I have to do this. I have to find out who I was and move on. And I feel like I can’t.”

“It’s like being drunk and not remembering what you did the next morning and knowing you did it anyway,” Tony said. Loki stared at him incredulously, and he added, “But this is probably a lot worse.” 

“I don’t remember hating Thor and I don’t remember loving him,” Loki murmured. “He is nothing to me. Do you think I wanted that?” 

“Do you want it now?” Tony asked. 

“I don’t know,” Loki said, frustration coloring his words. “I destroy everything I touch.” 

“You told yourself that?” 

“The Chitauri. Failure, worthless, monster.” He looked away. 

“It’ll take time,” Tony said, shifting in his seat. He wasn’t a therapist, and he certainly didn’t want to start being one to Loki, of all people. “Just talk to Thor. Or Natasha. Talk to Natasha. She did bad things and got a second chance and she’s been dealing with it.” 

“Natasha,” Loki repeated. 

“Yeah,” Tony said. “Her. She helped you a lot, you know. She could’ve just let you rot in a SHIELD prison. She probably wanted to at first.” 

“SHIELD,” Loki said. “I should hurt them. They kept knowledge from me. They lied.” 

“Natasha cares about you,” Tony said. “Don’t fuck that up.” 

Loki clenched his jaw. One of Tony’s computers shut off and then back on. 

“Who shall I be angry at, Stark?” Loki asked. 

Tony watched the log in screen pop up. “Yourself,” he said. “You made the choices that led to all this. You deal with the consequences.” He turned over the helmet in his hands and deliberately did not look in Loki’s direction. After a few moments he heard Loki stand up and leave, and he sighed in relief. 

**

“Loki-“ 

“Stop.” 

Loki could feel Thor behind him, could feel that Thor wanted to hug him. He turned around to see Thor watching him, expression carefully blank, with the smallest glimmer of hope breaking through. 

It was familiar, that. Loki knew that Thor was terrible at hiding his emotions and couldn’t tell how he knew. Just that he did. 

“We’ll never be the same,” he said. “We will never have what we once had before.” 

“I never wanted this,” Thor said. 

Loki closed his eyes. He was exhausted. He hadn’t slept well in so, so long. “I know.” When he opened his eyes Thor had moved to sit next to him. 

“I can help you,” he said. 

“You can’t,” Loki told him. “I am the only one who can do this.”

“What will you do?” 

Loki clenched and unclenched his hands. He needed to do something. He needed to not be sitting here. “I’m afraid I’ll wake up,” he said. 

Thor grabbed one of his hands, and his touch felt so real. “This is true, brother,” he said. “Do not doubt yourself.” 

“Yes.” Loki felt a strange hollowness in his chest. This man had known him for so long, and Loki did not know him at all. Yet. He knew it was impossible to miss what you could not remember, but all the same, he felt the loss. 

“Just remember you are not alone.” 

“You are a sentimental fool,” Loki said, but he squeezed Thor’s hand anyway. 

**

When Natasha walked into the kitchen and saw Loki sitting at the counter, she was tempted to turn and walk away. He hadn’t noticed her. He was turning a pen over and over in his hands. She didn’t walk away. She sat down across from him. 

It had been a long time since they talked. She imagined he hated her, and it shouldn’t have mattered but it did. 

Loki glanced up at her. His hands never stopped moving, even as he said, “I’m leaving SHIELD.” 

“Of course,” Natasha said. “What do you plan to do?” 

“Stark wants a magic consultant,” Loki told her. “We can figure out how my particular brand of magic works together. Apparently there are magic users on this planet and I can help Stark analyze them as well.” 

“I see,” Natasha said. Loki was hiding his emotions again, but not well enough. His hands still played with the pen. “How’s recovery?” 

“Good.” Loki swallowed. “I read my journal.” 

Natasha nodded, keeping her face blank while her chest felt tight. 

“Why did you keep it from me?” he asked. 

“It wasn’t my decision,” Natasha said. 

“But you knew,” Loki said. “Why did you lie to me?”

“It was a matter of security,” Natasha said. She leaned forward and added, “Do you know who you were? And do you know how much we were risking by taking you in?” 

“Yes,” Loki said. “I understand why you did it.” 

Natasha could detect no lie in his features. “Why?” 

“I was a monster,” he said. “You were there when I did it.” 

“Did what?” 

“Accelerated the spell. You were the first person I saw,” Loki said. “I remember that. Why were you there?” 

“You told me what your punishment was,” Natasha said. “I was trying to negotiate with you. Come up with a plan. You moved ahead with your own plan.”

“Oh.” 

“I’m not sorry for what we did,” Natasha told him. 

“Neither am I,” Loki said. His hands twitched. The pen fell to the ground. Loki clasped his hands together, looking suddenly lost. 

“Look at me,” Natasha said. Loki met her eyes reluctantly, and in his she could see many emotions, none of them good. “It was a matter of national security. But it was also about a second chance. You had—still have—an opportunity here, Loki.” 

“I don’t need to be with SHIELD to take it,” Loki said. 

“I know. But I don’t want-“ She stopped. She didn’t want many things. But to admit what she didn’t want from Loki would be to admit a weakness. 

“I don’t know who I am,” Loki said, voice cracking. “I don’t know if what the Chitauri said is true. Perhaps I am a monster after all that has happened. Perhaps not. I look at Thor and he looks at me with such love and knowing, and I look at him and see a stranger. I look at myself and I feel nothing except loss. Everyone feels something towards me and I can’t feel it or understand it. I am unmade and I don’t know how to make myself again.” 

Natasha thought of Clint, unmade by Loki. But not like this. Not forever. 

“I care about you,” she said, the words forced from her with great difficult. 

Loki’s eyes narrowed. “Why?” he asked. “How could you possibly care for one such as me? I have done you no favors. I have been nothing but a monster in your life, and the only reason I stopped is because of a spell. You have no reason-“

“I do,” Natasha cut him off. “You don’t have to be that person anymore. When Clint took me in to SHIELD I had a new life. I used it.” 

“The Chitauri said—and I wrote that I destroy everything,” Loki told her. 

“That isn’t true.” 

“What do you want from me?” Loki asked, desperation creeping into his voice. “I can’t go back. SHIELD has lost my trust. I will not allow them to take me and manipulate me and-“

“I don’t want anything from you,” Natasha said. “Except that you take this opportunity. You don’t have to come back to SHIELD. You don’t even have to talk to me again. Or Clint. Just don’t become consumed by your anger like you were before.” He laughed and Natasha frowned. “What?” 

 

“Stark told me I should be angry at myself,” he told her, “and I am. I am so angry at myself. I hate that I did this.” 

“You wanted it.” 

“I don’t remember making that decision.” 

“Well.” Natasha leaned back. “I can disappear from your life and as long as you don’t start trying to destroy the world, we’ll leave you alone.” 

Loki glanced away. “I don’t want that,” he said. 

Natasha frowned. “What do you want?” 

“You helped me,” Loki said, “even if you hated who I was.” 

“Yes,” Natasha said. 

“You hated who you were, too,” he said. 

“Yes,” Natasha murmured. 

“I can help you,” Loki continued. “I can work with you. But not for them.” 

“You don’t want me to disappear,” Natasha said. 

“Yes.” 

Natasha nodded. “Then I won’t.”

“Good.” 

Natasha stood up and sighed. “I’ll see you around.” And she walked away before she could make herself even more vulnerable. 

**

Science was complex and varied but magic was better. Loki spent many hours practicing, some under Tony Stark’s supervision and some on his own. Sometimes Thor would watch him with a strange, sad look on his face and Loki imagined that it reminded him of when he’d first been learning magic, a familiar sight performed by an unfamiliar person. 

Others would watch him. Bruce Banner helped Tony with his readings and tests and occasionally would just stop and watch and look on in awe as Loki navigated the language of the universe in order to produce results. Clint Barton stopped by the lab one time to watch, looking distrustful half the time and like he was having difficulty hiding his amazement the rest of the time. He left with a conflicted expression muttering expletives under his breath. 

In the back of his mind, Loki knew this wasn’t what he had intended for himself. But his old self had given up the right to make decisions when he made the decisions that led to this punishment. He was still coming to terms with who was to blame, who was worth hating and who wasn’t, and where his anger should go. He had a lot of it, and it was hard not to do something he might regret later, to others or to himself. 

He kept telling himself, through the uncertainty and the nightmares and the feelings of hollowness when he saw Thor look at him that he had to move forward. So he did. 

He felt like he needed to do more. He was restless, nervous energy building up ready to burst as he felt increasingly trapped inside of buildings and labs, prisons of his own making. 

One day, someone knocked on his apartment door. 

Natasha was on the other side. She held up a manila folder and stepped inside. 

“I have a mission for you,” she said. “Terrorist organization wants to use the super soldier serum on their soldiers, but the compound isn’t stable. It’s in depth, Clint’s somewhere else, and I need someone I can trust.” 

Loki took the folder from her and flipped through the various papers within. “SHIELD-“ 

“Is willing to allow me complete control over this mission if you come,” Natasha told him. 

Loki continued flipping through the pages. She trusted him. This was something he could do, something for the voice in the back of his mind constantly telling him to run, that his life wasn’t enough. He had lived in organization; he needed a little chaos. 

He looked at Natasha. 

“I accept.”


End file.
